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yendiEight-Legged Freaks. 2002. Directed by Ellory Elkayem. Written by Elkayem and Jesse Alexander.
Yes, it's Kari Wuhrer week here! Although it'll be a short week, as I only have three viable reviews from her oeuvre (not that she hasn't done her share of genre flicks, but I'm blissfully free of some of the crappier Hellraiser and Prophecy flicks).
If Anaconda is a guilty pleasure, 8-Legged Freaks is one I feel no guilt about. It's a horror-comedy that accomplishes exactly what it intends to, and does it quite well. See, there's this small town in the middle of Arizona named Prosperity, and it's living up to its name about as well as a woman named Chastity*. The local mine has dried up; the new mall is a big concrete block of failure; and don't get me started on the ostrich farm.
The sheriff of this town, Sam Parker, is a single mom and one of the smarter folks around town. Like so many small town sheriffs in movies, she has to deal with the fact that one of her kids -- in this case, her teenaged daughter, Ashley -- seems to be getting involved with the wrong crowd. Her twelve-year-old son, Mike, is one of those hyper-brainiac kids who knows way too much about the animal kingdom. He spends his time visiting a local scientist, Joshua, who has been experimenting with spiders.
Into this town comes Chris, who had made it out of Prosperity years ago, but has come back to try to make sure that the town mine (to which he owns part of the deed) doesn't get sold. He also has a past with Sam. Other characters we need to know are the town mayor, an ostrich-farming blowhard responsible for many of the town's poorer financial decisions; the sheriff's dimwitted deputy; Ashley's motorbiking boyfriend; and a local paranoid radio DJ who broadcasts his conspiracy theories from his RV on the edge of town.
The setup is about as complicated as you want this kind of movie to be: Joshua is unaware of the fact that there's been toxic waste dumping around town (yet another of the mayor's brilliant ideas). The waste irradiates the crickets, and when the radioactive crickets are fed to the spiders, they start to grow**. Naturally, they claim Joshua -- who lives far away from the rest of the town -- as their first victim.
I do want to pause here to note that when we visited the Boston Museum of Science last year, there was an exhibit explaining how arachnids aren't structurally able to handle growing beyond a certain size, as their bones would crumble and they'd die painfully***. That said, if you're the sort of person who goes to see a giant spider movie and complains about the science, you're a sad, sad person.
As long as we're off track, let's just go over what makes this movie enjoyable, as a summary won't accomplish much. After all, you can pretty much guess that the spiders slowly pick off a few folks at first (with no one believing that anything's going on), and then eventually overrun the town. And surely you can figure out that there's a big showdown, and that a handful of survivors manage to walk out alive. Oh, and that Sam and Chris end up together. That's not what makes this movie fun.
These are the things that make it fun:
• The variety of spiders, and their wonderful kills. Sure, we get the usual shots of spiders biting and webbing folks up, but we also an early attack by jumping spiders taking out a group of motorcross kids, and trapdoor spiders killing ostriches (and later panicking townsfolk). Points for making the spiders different and fun.
• The constant nods to classic '50s giant animal movies, from over-the-top action sequences to plotlines (like the hooligans on motorbikes) that mirror those classic films. And, of course, the last stand at the mall resembles a certain Romero flick from the '70s.
• The fact that the special effects in this movie are leagues better than in any of the '50s monster movies.
• The great sequence featuring the one customer at the diner who manages to escape past the trapdoor spiders. It's all the better since the hero of the scene wasn't one of the movie's significant characters; and could easily have been another victim.
• The fact that no one is safe; unlike most horror movies, in giant monster flicks, even dogs, cats, and ostriches can (and do) get it. Ditto plenty of the humans.
• Conversely, the fact that some characters seem like monster bait but live. Ashley's boyfriend is the best example of this; he shifts from an annoying jerk into something of a hero as he escapes the spiders time and again.
• The utter silliness of some of the scenes. From the trapdoor ostrich killings to the cat dragged up through drywall to the great lines of dialogue, this is a movie that never takes itself seriously. Which is exactly what I'd expect from a giant spider flick.
• Matt Czuchry taking a taser to his mini-Logan. Okay, I'm one of six fans of his character on Gilmore Girls, but this is one of the few gratuitous groin-injuries in a movie that doesn't annoy me.
• Doug E. Doug, turning in his best performance ever***** as Harlan Griffith, the paranoid DJ. Not only do we get his wonderful rants, but he manages to save the day in a surprising manner.
• Kari Wuhrer and Scarlet Johansson as the most attractive onscreen mother and daughter ever (although I still find the mother the infinitely more attractive of the pair). Plus, both turn in fine performances, never overacting, but clearly having fun.
• David Arquette. He can act when he has to. Who knew?
• Lee Harvey Oswald's rifle. Yeah, it serves no purpose whatsoever, but it's a great (and silly) running gag.
So with all that, how can I hate this movie? Check your brains at the door, and watch this as a double feature with either Slither (which shares a similar tone) or Arachnophobia (the other fun spider film of the last twenty years). Either way, it'll be a blast.
*Apologies if you are both chaste and named Chastity. And if you're prospering and named Prosperity.
**This also explains Clifford the Big Red Dog.
***Jawas also have this problem, as disovered in Jabba the Hutt's Great Genetic Mutation Disaster of 34 BSW4, long considered the second worst idea he had after putting Leia in the slave outfit****.
****Which wasn't actually a bad idea; just one that was poorly thought out.
*****Which basically just means that he's better here than in Cool Runnings. Unless you're a huge That Darned Cat fan.
Yes, it's Kari Wuhrer week here! Although it'll be a short week, as I only have three viable reviews from her oeuvre (not that she hasn't done her share of genre flicks, but I'm blissfully free of some of the crappier Hellraiser and Prophecy flicks).
If Anaconda is a guilty pleasure, 8-Legged Freaks is one I feel no guilt about. It's a horror-comedy that accomplishes exactly what it intends to, and does it quite well. See, there's this small town in the middle of Arizona named Prosperity, and it's living up to its name about as well as a woman named Chastity*. The local mine has dried up; the new mall is a big concrete block of failure; and don't get me started on the ostrich farm.
The sheriff of this town, Sam Parker, is a single mom and one of the smarter folks around town. Like so many small town sheriffs in movies, she has to deal with the fact that one of her kids -- in this case, her teenaged daughter, Ashley -- seems to be getting involved with the wrong crowd. Her twelve-year-old son, Mike, is one of those hyper-brainiac kids who knows way too much about the animal kingdom. He spends his time visiting a local scientist, Joshua, who has been experimenting with spiders.
Into this town comes Chris, who had made it out of Prosperity years ago, but has come back to try to make sure that the town mine (to which he owns part of the deed) doesn't get sold. He also has a past with Sam. Other characters we need to know are the town mayor, an ostrich-farming blowhard responsible for many of the town's poorer financial decisions; the sheriff's dimwitted deputy; Ashley's motorbiking boyfriend; and a local paranoid radio DJ who broadcasts his conspiracy theories from his RV on the edge of town.
The setup is about as complicated as you want this kind of movie to be: Joshua is unaware of the fact that there's been toxic waste dumping around town (yet another of the mayor's brilliant ideas). The waste irradiates the crickets, and when the radioactive crickets are fed to the spiders, they start to grow**. Naturally, they claim Joshua -- who lives far away from the rest of the town -- as their first victim.
I do want to pause here to note that when we visited the Boston Museum of Science last year, there was an exhibit explaining how arachnids aren't structurally able to handle growing beyond a certain size, as their bones would crumble and they'd die painfully***. That said, if you're the sort of person who goes to see a giant spider movie and complains about the science, you're a sad, sad person.
As long as we're off track, let's just go over what makes this movie enjoyable, as a summary won't accomplish much. After all, you can pretty much guess that the spiders slowly pick off a few folks at first (with no one believing that anything's going on), and then eventually overrun the town. And surely you can figure out that there's a big showdown, and that a handful of survivors manage to walk out alive. Oh, and that Sam and Chris end up together. That's not what makes this movie fun.
These are the things that make it fun:
• The variety of spiders, and their wonderful kills. Sure, we get the usual shots of spiders biting and webbing folks up, but we also an early attack by jumping spiders taking out a group of motorcross kids, and trapdoor spiders killing ostriches (and later panicking townsfolk). Points for making the spiders different and fun.
• The constant nods to classic '50s giant animal movies, from over-the-top action sequences to plotlines (like the hooligans on motorbikes) that mirror those classic films. And, of course, the last stand at the mall resembles a certain Romero flick from the '70s.
• The fact that the special effects in this movie are leagues better than in any of the '50s monster movies.
• The great sequence featuring the one customer at the diner who manages to escape past the trapdoor spiders. It's all the better since the hero of the scene wasn't one of the movie's significant characters; and could easily have been another victim.
• The fact that no one is safe; unlike most horror movies, in giant monster flicks, even dogs, cats, and ostriches can (and do) get it. Ditto plenty of the humans.
• Conversely, the fact that some characters seem like monster bait but live. Ashley's boyfriend is the best example of this; he shifts from an annoying jerk into something of a hero as he escapes the spiders time and again.
• The utter silliness of some of the scenes. From the trapdoor ostrich killings to the cat dragged up through drywall to the great lines of dialogue, this is a movie that never takes itself seriously. Which is exactly what I'd expect from a giant spider flick.
• Matt Czuchry taking a taser to his mini-Logan. Okay, I'm one of six fans of his character on Gilmore Girls, but this is one of the few gratuitous groin-injuries in a movie that doesn't annoy me.
• Doug E. Doug, turning in his best performance ever***** as Harlan Griffith, the paranoid DJ. Not only do we get his wonderful rants, but he manages to save the day in a surprising manner.
• Kari Wuhrer and Scarlet Johansson as the most attractive onscreen mother and daughter ever (although I still find the mother the infinitely more attractive of the pair). Plus, both turn in fine performances, never overacting, but clearly having fun.
• David Arquette. He can act when he has to. Who knew?
• Lee Harvey Oswald's rifle. Yeah, it serves no purpose whatsoever, but it's a great (and silly) running gag.
So with all that, how can I hate this movie? Check your brains at the door, and watch this as a double feature with either Slither (which shares a similar tone) or Arachnophobia (the other fun spider film of the last twenty years). Either way, it'll be a blast.
*Apologies if you are both chaste and named Chastity. And if you're prospering and named Prosperity.
**This also explains Clifford the Big Red Dog.
***Jawas also have this problem, as disovered in Jabba the Hutt's Great Genetic Mutation Disaster of 34 BSW4, long considered the second worst idea he had after putting Leia in the slave outfit****.
****Which wasn't actually a bad idea; just one that was poorly thought out.
*****Which basically just means that he's better here than in Cool Runnings. Unless you're a huge That Darned Cat fan.