261 Days of Horror, Day 79: Jack Frost
Apr. 13th, 2007 12:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yendiJack Frost. 1996. Written and directed by Michael Cooney. Released by Allumination.
[Warning: This review is one of the few this year featuring a film with a significant rape scene.]
One of my great plans, if I ever find myself with a near-infinite amount of money, is to place the DVD of 1996's Jack Frost inside every case currently containing the 1998 Michael Keaton film of the same name. Both Jack Frosts are about people who come back as snowmen; otherwise, they have little in common. But the 1996 version is far and away the superior film*. It has everything you could want out of a movie, from bad puns to the worst recipe for oatmeal ever invented.
See, there's this really nasty serial killer named -- wait for it -- Jack Frost. Really. And he's being transported in the usual secure van that prisoners in movies always escape from. Sure enough, he kills the guard and is on his way to freedom when the van crashes into a truck. A truck filled with evil chemicals! And they melt him away. Yay! The world's saved!
Oh, wait. It's not. Because this isn't a ten-minute film.
Instead, Jack becomes a walking, talking, and murdering snowman! Who'd have thunk it? Just imagine if his name had been Johnny Fire; would he have become a giant ball of flame when he hit the chemicals? And if he was named Andy Raggedy, would have have become a floppy killer doll?
Anyway, by an amazing coincidence, Jack has ended up in the quiet little mountain town of Snowmonton. Snowmonton just happens to be the "snowman capital of the world," which is pretty damned sad, especially given the generic quality of the snowmen we see. You'd think that whatever city Calvin and his tiger Hobbes live in would be the capital.
But not only does Jack end up in a town where there are dozens of other snowmen**, but Sam, the sheriff who'd originally caught him, also happens to live here. What a perfect place to end up!
We spend a few minutes meeting Sam, his wife and son, and a few assorted townsfolk. There's the usual bumbling deputy, a horny teenager, and a bunch of folks planning on competing in the snowman-building contest, which appears to be the only thing to do in this town.We also learn that an old man was found dead last night with his neck broken. Yep, we've got a mutant killer snowman on the loose.
Instead of just hunting down and killing the sheriff and his family, Jack decides to take things slowly and stake out his potential victims. He has the ability to turn into snow and move through snow drifts, which helps him get around. He also has other powers, which we'll get into later.
Sam's wife and daughter come home to find a generic faceless snowman in their front yard. Naturally, they assume that someone started to build it for them and got bored***, so the kid gets a carrot from the house and finishes building Jack. As he's enjoying his creative success, the local bully comes up and starts bossing him around. Yes, the bully is harassing the sheriff's son in his own back yard! Billy the Bully cuts off Jack's head and taunts the kid, telling him to get out of the way so he and his friends can go sledding. But Jack gets revenge, knocking Billy down just as a member of Billy's gang is sledding by. Thanks to the world's sharpest sled, Billy gets decapitated.
Naturally, only Ryan, the son of the sheriff, saw what happened, and no one believes him. In fact, they all think that he's the one who knocked Billy down. Billy's dad yells at the sheriff a bit, and the coroner comes by and carries Billy away in two bags (including a tiny one for his head).
That night, Billy's dad also yells at Billy's slutty sister, played by Shannon Elizabeth. She stalks out, and when Dad pops out for a smoke, he gets surprised by Jack, who asks him for a smoke. While Dad tries to figure out who's playing a practical joke on him, that innocuous snowman grabs Dad's axe**** and shoves the axe handle down his throat. He tosses off a quick pun -- "I axed you for a cigarette" -- before moving on.
For some reason, Jack has decided to stalk the rest of Billy's family, instead of the guy he's actually pissed at. Mom's next. Jack uses his amazing melting powers -- an amazing f/x show accomplished by showing a puddle of water on the floor -- and then reforms behind the older woman. Before she can realize what's happening, he chokes her with some Christmas lights, shoves (and breaks) a glass ornament in her mouth, beats her face into a box of ornaments, and then wraps her up into the Christmas tree.
The police have no leads, other than spotting a puddle of water left at the scene. But we now meet Agent Manners and Agent Stone, FBI folks offering their assistance, who clearly know something about what's going on. The stupid deputy also meets his maker, or at least his killer, as he finds the road blocked by a snowman. When he gets out to knock it out of the way, he finds that the snowman is gone, and before he can react, the snowman has reformed in the car. Yes, Jack Frost can drive!
Later, just to prove that everyone handles grief differently, Billy's sister has decided that she needs some nice romantic nookie. So she and the town horndog head over to the sheriff's house because, well, um, it's a great place to get killed, I guess. Sis heads up to the bathroom to dry her hair. Um. Yeah. Because it's a great way to not hear any sounds of people being killed downstairs. Speaking of which, Jack finally pays a visit to the house of his nemesis, and ends up confronting the horndog instead. The kid tries to fight the snowman by stabbing it, but that technique, amazingly enough, completely fails. Jack shows us yet another new power -- icicle launching! He shoots one icicle to pin the kid to the wall, and another to spike him in the forehead.
And now, Shannon Elizabeth does her thing and takes off her clothes. Yes, now that her hair is dry, she takes a bath. Sure.
And now, we get the companion piece to Sam Raimi's infamous tree-rape scene from Evil Dead. Yes, we get snowman-rape. Unlike Evil Dead, this isn't a movie about scaring the hell out of you, either. This is a comedy. That said, FWIW, there's nothing explicitly graphic here, and most of what happens is implied, not shown*****. I could snark at the idea of a snowman being fully functional (programmed in multiple techniques) or note the lack of taste involved in making such a scene, but in the end, the very fact that there's a snowman rape scene pretty much says everything by itself.
Now that Billy's entire family is dead, Jack can get back to his original mission: tracking down the guy who captured him years ago. When Jack confronts Sam, the Sheriff realizes that this is the same guy he captured, and that Manners and Stone are somehow involved in whatever mad experiment caused Jack to mutate. But he doesn't have time to worry about this, as Jack's attacking Sam and his remaining deputies at the police station. They melt him with a hairdryer, and then burn the police station down with flaming aerosol cans.
Alas, Jack reforms****** and comes after Sam and the other folks hiding in the town church. But they greet him armed with a fleet of hairdryers! I have no idea where the hell they got the extension cords for all of them, but they manage. And they force him into the furnace room, where Jack melts away to nothing. And thus, the evil is defeated.
Except, you know, not. Because even a universe in which a man can become a mutant killer snowman capable of shooting icicles, driving cars, and having sex, the laws of physics still apply. Well, some of them. At least, all the ones that deal with steam and condensation. As everyone but the FBI agents scatters, Jack once again re-forms, and attacks Agent Manners, biting and slashing his face. We cut to the outside, where Sam sees Agent Stone stumble out of the church, gagging, and eventually spitting out a stream of snow that forms into Jack.
Jack confronts Sam and his son, and, with no other choice left, Sam throws his oatmeal at the snowman. And it hurts him!
Wait, what?
See, the thing is, Sam's son Ryan prepared the oatmeal. And being the sort of kid who is both well-intentioned and really fucking stupid, he put antifreeze in the oatmeal. Because he wanted his dad to stay warm.
Seriously.
In other words, Jack Frost probably saved Sam's life, because otherwise, he'd have been poisoned by his idiot son.
Anyway, Jack's hurt, but he's not out. So Sam has his buddy gather all the antifreeze he can find while he distracts Jack. Eventually, Sam gets stabbed by Jack on the second floor of the town whorehouse, but his buddy has pulled a pickup truck in whose bed dozens of gallons of antifreeze have been poured. Sam grabs Jack and leaps out the window, melting the snowman into nothingness. When the severed arm of Jack attacks Ryan, Sam throws his kid into the antifreeze as well. Both Sam and Ryan are just fine after their antifreeze baths, in case anyone was curious.
Jack Frost is a terrible movie, with weak acting, awful effects, and a plot that manages to be complicated and stupid at the same time. But it's still, somehow, a fun late-night film. Part of that is because of the constant one-liners and gimmicky murders, but a good part of it is the simply "so bad it's good" nature of the movie. Writer-director Michael Cooney has shown remarkable improvement over the years, with this film's sequel and Identity (which he wrote) both showing a much better sense of pacing and character, but even his early work is a lot of fun and a solid guilty pleasure.
*I've already reviewed the sequel, in case the concept sounds familiar.
**Although none of the other snowmen can walk around and kill people.
***In fairness, this is a better assumption than the idea that a vengeful mutant killer snowman is stalking them. I mean, I love to criticize stupid moves in horror movies, but if you spend your entire life looking over your shoulder for a mutant killer snowman, you're not going to have too much fun.
****Which he used for firewood. It's not completely random.
*****In fact, it was only after I realized that the carrot nose had drifted towards another part of Jack's body that I was sure it wasn't just the snowman crushing her to death.
******Throwing off his best line as he does so. With his head attached to where his arm should be, he shouts, "Look, I'm a Picasso."
[Warning: This review is one of the few this year featuring a film with a significant rape scene.]
One of my great plans, if I ever find myself with a near-infinite amount of money, is to place the DVD of 1996's Jack Frost inside every case currently containing the 1998 Michael Keaton film of the same name. Both Jack Frosts are about people who come back as snowmen; otherwise, they have little in common. But the 1996 version is far and away the superior film*. It has everything you could want out of a movie, from bad puns to the worst recipe for oatmeal ever invented.
See, there's this really nasty serial killer named -- wait for it -- Jack Frost. Really. And he's being transported in the usual secure van that prisoners in movies always escape from. Sure enough, he kills the guard and is on his way to freedom when the van crashes into a truck. A truck filled with evil chemicals! And they melt him away. Yay! The world's saved!
Oh, wait. It's not. Because this isn't a ten-minute film.
Instead, Jack becomes a walking, talking, and murdering snowman! Who'd have thunk it? Just imagine if his name had been Johnny Fire; would he have become a giant ball of flame when he hit the chemicals? And if he was named Andy Raggedy, would have have become a floppy killer doll?
Anyway, by an amazing coincidence, Jack has ended up in the quiet little mountain town of Snowmonton. Snowmonton just happens to be the "snowman capital of the world," which is pretty damned sad, especially given the generic quality of the snowmen we see. You'd think that whatever city Calvin and his tiger Hobbes live in would be the capital.
But not only does Jack end up in a town where there are dozens of other snowmen**, but Sam, the sheriff who'd originally caught him, also happens to live here. What a perfect place to end up!
We spend a few minutes meeting Sam, his wife and son, and a few assorted townsfolk. There's the usual bumbling deputy, a horny teenager, and a bunch of folks planning on competing in the snowman-building contest, which appears to be the only thing to do in this town.We also learn that an old man was found dead last night with his neck broken. Yep, we've got a mutant killer snowman on the loose.
Instead of just hunting down and killing the sheriff and his family, Jack decides to take things slowly and stake out his potential victims. He has the ability to turn into snow and move through snow drifts, which helps him get around. He also has other powers, which we'll get into later.
Sam's wife and daughter come home to find a generic faceless snowman in their front yard. Naturally, they assume that someone started to build it for them and got bored***, so the kid gets a carrot from the house and finishes building Jack. As he's enjoying his creative success, the local bully comes up and starts bossing him around. Yes, the bully is harassing the sheriff's son in his own back yard! Billy the Bully cuts off Jack's head and taunts the kid, telling him to get out of the way so he and his friends can go sledding. But Jack gets revenge, knocking Billy down just as a member of Billy's gang is sledding by. Thanks to the world's sharpest sled, Billy gets decapitated.
Naturally, only Ryan, the son of the sheriff, saw what happened, and no one believes him. In fact, they all think that he's the one who knocked Billy down. Billy's dad yells at the sheriff a bit, and the coroner comes by and carries Billy away in two bags (including a tiny one for his head).
That night, Billy's dad also yells at Billy's slutty sister, played by Shannon Elizabeth. She stalks out, and when Dad pops out for a smoke, he gets surprised by Jack, who asks him for a smoke. While Dad tries to figure out who's playing a practical joke on him, that innocuous snowman grabs Dad's axe**** and shoves the axe handle down his throat. He tosses off a quick pun -- "I axed you for a cigarette" -- before moving on.
For some reason, Jack has decided to stalk the rest of Billy's family, instead of the guy he's actually pissed at. Mom's next. Jack uses his amazing melting powers -- an amazing f/x show accomplished by showing a puddle of water on the floor -- and then reforms behind the older woman. Before she can realize what's happening, he chokes her with some Christmas lights, shoves (and breaks) a glass ornament in her mouth, beats her face into a box of ornaments, and then wraps her up into the Christmas tree.
The police have no leads, other than spotting a puddle of water left at the scene. But we now meet Agent Manners and Agent Stone, FBI folks offering their assistance, who clearly know something about what's going on. The stupid deputy also meets his maker, or at least his killer, as he finds the road blocked by a snowman. When he gets out to knock it out of the way, he finds that the snowman is gone, and before he can react, the snowman has reformed in the car. Yes, Jack Frost can drive!
Later, just to prove that everyone handles grief differently, Billy's sister has decided that she needs some nice romantic nookie. So she and the town horndog head over to the sheriff's house because, well, um, it's a great place to get killed, I guess. Sis heads up to the bathroom to dry her hair. Um. Yeah. Because it's a great way to not hear any sounds of people being killed downstairs. Speaking of which, Jack finally pays a visit to the house of his nemesis, and ends up confronting the horndog instead. The kid tries to fight the snowman by stabbing it, but that technique, amazingly enough, completely fails. Jack shows us yet another new power -- icicle launching! He shoots one icicle to pin the kid to the wall, and another to spike him in the forehead.
And now, Shannon Elizabeth does her thing and takes off her clothes. Yes, now that her hair is dry, she takes a bath. Sure.
And now, we get the companion piece to Sam Raimi's infamous tree-rape scene from Evil Dead. Yes, we get snowman-rape. Unlike Evil Dead, this isn't a movie about scaring the hell out of you, either. This is a comedy. That said, FWIW, there's nothing explicitly graphic here, and most of what happens is implied, not shown*****. I could snark at the idea of a snowman being fully functional (programmed in multiple techniques) or note the lack of taste involved in making such a scene, but in the end, the very fact that there's a snowman rape scene pretty much says everything by itself.
Now that Billy's entire family is dead, Jack can get back to his original mission: tracking down the guy who captured him years ago. When Jack confronts Sam, the Sheriff realizes that this is the same guy he captured, and that Manners and Stone are somehow involved in whatever mad experiment caused Jack to mutate. But he doesn't have time to worry about this, as Jack's attacking Sam and his remaining deputies at the police station. They melt him with a hairdryer, and then burn the police station down with flaming aerosol cans.
Alas, Jack reforms****** and comes after Sam and the other folks hiding in the town church. But they greet him armed with a fleet of hairdryers! I have no idea where the hell they got the extension cords for all of them, but they manage. And they force him into the furnace room, where Jack melts away to nothing. And thus, the evil is defeated.
Except, you know, not. Because even a universe in which a man can become a mutant killer snowman capable of shooting icicles, driving cars, and having sex, the laws of physics still apply. Well, some of them. At least, all the ones that deal with steam and condensation. As everyone but the FBI agents scatters, Jack once again re-forms, and attacks Agent Manners, biting and slashing his face. We cut to the outside, where Sam sees Agent Stone stumble out of the church, gagging, and eventually spitting out a stream of snow that forms into Jack.
Jack confronts Sam and his son, and, with no other choice left, Sam throws his oatmeal at the snowman. And it hurts him!
Wait, what?
See, the thing is, Sam's son Ryan prepared the oatmeal. And being the sort of kid who is both well-intentioned and really fucking stupid, he put antifreeze in the oatmeal. Because he wanted his dad to stay warm.
Seriously.
In other words, Jack Frost probably saved Sam's life, because otherwise, he'd have been poisoned by his idiot son.
Anyway, Jack's hurt, but he's not out. So Sam has his buddy gather all the antifreeze he can find while he distracts Jack. Eventually, Sam gets stabbed by Jack on the second floor of the town whorehouse, but his buddy has pulled a pickup truck in whose bed dozens of gallons of antifreeze have been poured. Sam grabs Jack and leaps out the window, melting the snowman into nothingness. When the severed arm of Jack attacks Ryan, Sam throws his kid into the antifreeze as well. Both Sam and Ryan are just fine after their antifreeze baths, in case anyone was curious.
Jack Frost is a terrible movie, with weak acting, awful effects, and a plot that manages to be complicated and stupid at the same time. But it's still, somehow, a fun late-night film. Part of that is because of the constant one-liners and gimmicky murders, but a good part of it is the simply "so bad it's good" nature of the movie. Writer-director Michael Cooney has shown remarkable improvement over the years, with this film's sequel and Identity (which he wrote) both showing a much better sense of pacing and character, but even his early work is a lot of fun and a solid guilty pleasure.
*I've already reviewed the sequel, in case the concept sounds familiar.
**Although none of the other snowmen can walk around and kill people.
***In fairness, this is a better assumption than the idea that a vengeful mutant killer snowman is stalking them. I mean, I love to criticize stupid moves in horror movies, but if you spend your entire life looking over your shoulder for a mutant killer snowman, you're not going to have too much fun.
****Which he used for firewood. It's not completely random.
*****In fact, it was only after I realized that the carrot nose had drifted towards another part of Jack's body that I was sure it wasn't just the snowman crushing her to death.
******Throwing off his best line as he does so. With his head attached to where his arm should be, he shouts, "Look, I'm a Picasso."
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-13 04:34 am (UTC)Which may have been stolen from Toy Story, depending on exactly when this was shot. *facepalm*
You don't even mention the lenticular videobox cover this film had, where the image changes from Happy Fun Snowman to Killy Stabby Snowman depending on the angle from which you look at it. So I'll mention it here.
And now, Shannon Elizabeth does her thing and takes off her clothes. Yes, now that her hair is dry, she takes a bath. Sure.
Not even pornos offer that sort of lapse in logic. Hmmph.
*****In fact, it was only after I realized that the carrot nose had drifted towards another part of Jack's body that I was sure it wasn't just the snowman crushing her to death.
That does it: "Migrating penis" has to be a band name.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-13 07:28 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-13 11:17 am (UTC)My favorite part was when the kids get down to the horror movie teenage-killing sex, but had to take off their 4 or 5 layers of clothing first. That made me genuinely laugh.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-13 03:52 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-14 09:53 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-14 10:02 pm (UTC)Migrating Penis, alas, is already reserve for the name of the plane Dick Cheney will use for his post-Veep speaking tour.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-14 10:06 pm (UTC)And yeah, I loved the clothing scene, too.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-14 10:06 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-14 10:07 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-14 11:51 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-06-07 06:19 pm (UTC)*goes to hide face in shame*