Correcting my memoirs

[yendi]

In light of the recent scandals involving Robert Irvine, Margaret Seltzer, and Misha Defonseca, I would like to acknowledge the following, and clarify any misconceptions that might have arisen:

I was not raised by albino chipmunks after being abandoned at a 1973 Steely Dan concert.

I have never been a recipient of a Knighthood of the United Kingdom.

I've also never been a Knight of the Old Republic. In fact, my midichlorian count is zero.

I did not run with the bulls in Pamplona. Or in Chicago.

Woody Allen did not really base Zelig on my own life.

I have never had a #1 single on the Billboard charts.

I did not spend six months trapped on a deserted island, honing my survival skills by learning to hunt and fish with a makeshift bow, eventually making it to safety when I captured a group of drug-runners who were using the island as a base.

I do not share songwriting credits with Stephen Sondheim on Into the Woods.

I have never been a national candidate for the Reform Party.

I am not fucking Matt Damon.

My apologies if anyone was misled into believing any of the above. I can only blame outside pressure to succeed, with a wee bit of guilt on myself for not resisting those pressures in order to evoke some sympathy from you. Once you've forgiven me, hopefully you'll buy my next book, What Really Happened, which was written at the behest of Mahatma Gandhi, J.R.R. Tolkien, and Zeppo Marx. I swear!