New Year Reflections
Dec. 31st, 2002 12:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yendiSo, I don't particularly believe in doing New Year's resolutions, per se, because they strike me as as empty promises that people make in the heat of the moment, and never really intend to keep (and yes, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rollick, you can consider this my answer to your mini-poll from yesterday). I also won't be doing a summary of the past year (other than telling anyone foolish or bored enough to care to re-read my LJ), or the list of fives, mainly to avoid having to decide which events or people are more worthy of mention than others. If you're my friend, you know it. If you wonder if I consider something important, just ask me.
That said, I think the beginning of the year is a great time to evaluate things. And I'm fully aware that the beginning of the year is as arbitrary a date as any other one, but it's a nice psychological break point.
So, with those caveats in mind, here are the things I'd like to work on next year:
First and foremost, getting myself back into shape. I've whined about this for months now, and I know exactly what I need to do. I just need to start working out again, eat healthy foods again, and stop the binge eating. Alas, I tend to binge as a result of stress and depression, and this year has given me plenty. And now that I'm pushing the borderline between "overweight" and "obese," I've got a nice constant source of depression. But you know what? Every year provides stress. It's a fucking excuse, a crutch. One I've relied on all too often. No fucking more. I'm not expecting, promising, or planning any sort of instant change. But I intend gradually change my lifestyle into a more healthful one. I did it once, and have never been happier than when I actually could look in the mirror and feel good about myself. I'm getting back there again, dammit.
Second, paying more attention to myself. I've got a tendency towards a caretaker/martyr complex. Whether it's taking care of other people, or throwing myself into work. That's not always a bad thing. But I tend to let myself lose sight of who I am at times. And this has been going on for nearly ten years. I need to start reclaiming myself. It's not nearly as simple a project as my physical reclamation project. I've got to make time for myself, spend time with friends, and not feel as if my life is owned by others, because it's not. And I need to clamp down on the feeling that I'm the least shiny bulb in any given room. It's self-perpetuating. Alas, it's a lot harder to implement than it sounds. How can I figure out who's really my friend, as opposed to who's my friend because they happen to be around (without, obviously, simply discarding everyone, a slash-and-burn idea that holds no interest for me)? How can I figure out what really interests me? How can I tell if I really gratified by doing something, as opposed to feeling gratified because I've been told that's how I should feel?
The answer, of course, is "just" to do some serious soul searching. As with the physical stuff, I know what to do (or at least where to begin), but I also know that it's not the easiest path in the world.
Third, I need to spend more time writing and reading, and less time bitching about not writing or reading.
Fourth, I need to trust myself more. I've got really good instincts, but I second guess myself and/or let others talk me into going against my gut (which, as stated above, is formidable). It's not that I'm always right, but that I'm wrong less often than I give myself credit for.
Fifth, I really need to learn to open myself up. I'm not pretending I'm some great enigma or anything, but I have a habit of holding back with everyone, on topics major and minor. A couple of you have talked about this (generally in locked posts, so I won't link) as well. I tend to keep my cards extremely close to my vest, largely out of an fear that says that nothing gets accomplished by opening up, so why bother? Yes, this does tie in to #2, but it's separate in a lot of ways, as it deals much more with my ability to interact with others (as opposed to myself). I suspect that this, more than anything else, made my first job out of college such a miserable experience, and has led to some of the issues I've currently got. Getting an LJ was supposed to help me with this, and it has to an extent, but I still hold so much in.
Sixth, I need to work on re-educating myself. I love learning, but reading non-fiction books isn't the same thing. I'm not as set on grad school as I once was, but I still want to learn stuff. I may look into the Evening at Emory classes (the Atlanta version of the New School), since I get a discount on them.
Seventh, I need to get organized. I love the process of organizing, the journey, if you will. But I'm not great with finishing the journey, and organizational projects tend to get stopped halfway or delayed for other more "important" projects, which frequently makes things worse. Combined with my packrat nature, this becomes a serious problem.
Eighth, I want to cook and bake more. I love spending time in the kitchen and experimenting. This ties in more than you'd think to most of the other items, and may yield a separate post sometime in the distant future (yes, I'm running out of steam with my ranting here).
Ninth, I need to find Nicole Kidman and make her mine (Renée Zellweger and Salma Hayak are perfectly acceptable substitutes, of course, and I wouldn't exactly complain about Neve Campbell). I realize that this sounds unrealistic, but it's not that far beyond some of my other needs.
As others have already said, there's probably more to be said for what I don't want to change -- the things that are right, the things I want to continue to do, etc. But I don't feel comfortable posting about those now, as the whole point of a New Year's post (arbitrary as it may be) is to look at new beginnings and directions. I may post about these things at a time of the year when my mind isn't so change-oriented.
No, that isn't everything I want to change, either. Just the opening salvo.
And looking back over this list after walking away for a few minutes, I realize that the general direction I want to take next year involves learning to like myself better. I'm pretty damned judgmental, and tend to judge folks almost purely based on my first impression. And apparently, when I first met myself, I was acting like a screaming little infant. I think I may have changed since then, and I need to recognize that. As is often the case, of course, knowing something intellectually doesn't always mean accepting it emotionally, however.
Enough rambling. Time to post this.
rollick, you can consider this my answer to your mini-poll from yesterday). I also won't be doing a summary of the past year (other than telling anyone foolish or bored enough to care to re-read my LJ), or the list of fives, mainly to avoid having to decide which events or people are more worthy of mention than others. If you're my friend, you know it. If you wonder if I consider something important, just ask me.That said, I think the beginning of the year is a great time to evaluate things. And I'm fully aware that the beginning of the year is as arbitrary a date as any other one, but it's a nice psychological break point.
So, with those caveats in mind, here are the things I'd like to work on next year:
First and foremost, getting myself back into shape. I've whined about this for months now, and I know exactly what I need to do. I just need to start working out again, eat healthy foods again, and stop the binge eating. Alas, I tend to binge as a result of stress and depression, and this year has given me plenty. And now that I'm pushing the borderline between "overweight" and "obese," I've got a nice constant source of depression. But you know what? Every year provides stress. It's a fucking excuse, a crutch. One I've relied on all too often. No fucking more. I'm not expecting, promising, or planning any sort of instant change. But I intend gradually change my lifestyle into a more healthful one. I did it once, and have never been happier than when I actually could look in the mirror and feel good about myself. I'm getting back there again, dammit.
Second, paying more attention to myself. I've got a tendency towards a caretaker/martyr complex. Whether it's taking care of other people, or throwing myself into work. That's not always a bad thing. But I tend to let myself lose sight of who I am at times. And this has been going on for nearly ten years. I need to start reclaiming myself. It's not nearly as simple a project as my physical reclamation project. I've got to make time for myself, spend time with friends, and not feel as if my life is owned by others, because it's not. And I need to clamp down on the feeling that I'm the least shiny bulb in any given room. It's self-perpetuating. Alas, it's a lot harder to implement than it sounds. How can I figure out who's really my friend, as opposed to who's my friend because they happen to be around (without, obviously, simply discarding everyone, a slash-and-burn idea that holds no interest for me)? How can I figure out what really interests me? How can I tell if I really gratified by doing something, as opposed to feeling gratified because I've been told that's how I should feel?
The answer, of course, is "just" to do some serious soul searching. As with the physical stuff, I know what to do (or at least where to begin), but I also know that it's not the easiest path in the world.
Third, I need to spend more time writing and reading, and less time bitching about not writing or reading.
Fourth, I need to trust myself more. I've got really good instincts, but I second guess myself and/or let others talk me into going against my gut (which, as stated above, is formidable). It's not that I'm always right, but that I'm wrong less often than I give myself credit for.
Fifth, I really need to learn to open myself up. I'm not pretending I'm some great enigma or anything, but I have a habit of holding back with everyone, on topics major and minor. A couple of you have talked about this (generally in locked posts, so I won't link) as well. I tend to keep my cards extremely close to my vest, largely out of an fear that says that nothing gets accomplished by opening up, so why bother? Yes, this does tie in to #2, but it's separate in a lot of ways, as it deals much more with my ability to interact with others (as opposed to myself). I suspect that this, more than anything else, made my first job out of college such a miserable experience, and has led to some of the issues I've currently got. Getting an LJ was supposed to help me with this, and it has to an extent, but I still hold so much in.
Sixth, I need to work on re-educating myself. I love learning, but reading non-fiction books isn't the same thing. I'm not as set on grad school as I once was, but I still want to learn stuff. I may look into the Evening at Emory classes (the Atlanta version of the New School), since I get a discount on them.
Seventh, I need to get organized. I love the process of organizing, the journey, if you will. But I'm not great with finishing the journey, and organizational projects tend to get stopped halfway or delayed for other more "important" projects, which frequently makes things worse. Combined with my packrat nature, this becomes a serious problem.
Eighth, I want to cook and bake more. I love spending time in the kitchen and experimenting. This ties in more than you'd think to most of the other items, and may yield a separate post sometime in the distant future (yes, I'm running out of steam with my ranting here).
Ninth, I need to find Nicole Kidman and make her mine (Renée Zellweger and Salma Hayak are perfectly acceptable substitutes, of course, and I wouldn't exactly complain about Neve Campbell). I realize that this sounds unrealistic, but it's not that far beyond some of my other needs.
As others have already said, there's probably more to be said for what I don't want to change -- the things that are right, the things I want to continue to do, etc. But I don't feel comfortable posting about those now, as the whole point of a New Year's post (arbitrary as it may be) is to look at new beginnings and directions. I may post about these things at a time of the year when my mind isn't so change-oriented.
No, that isn't everything I want to change, either. Just the opening salvo.
And looking back over this list after walking away for a few minutes, I realize that the general direction I want to take next year involves learning to like myself better. I'm pretty damned judgmental, and tend to judge folks almost purely based on my first impression. And apparently, when I first met myself, I was acting like a screaming little infant. I think I may have changed since then, and I need to recognize that. As is often the case, of course, knowing something intellectually doesn't always mean accepting it emotionally, however.
Enough rambling. Time to post this.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-31 10:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-31 10:35 am (UTC)I don't feel that you are... but it's how you see yourself that matters more, I know. *hugs*
And I need to clamp down on the feeling that I'm the least shiny bulb in any given room. It's self-perpetuating.
I agree with this, and I know
I need to spend more time writing and reading, and less time bitching about not writing or reading.
That goes for both of us. :) We need to re-institute writing nights!
I need to find Nicole Kidman and make her mine
*ahem* Ours. We agreed long ago that we will share Nicole.
You can have Renee Zellweger to yourself, though; I don't go for blondes.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-31 11:06 am (UTC)I thought you were great. And I don't think many people are great.
Best of luck with your Life Improvement Plan!
Happy New Year.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-31 11:15 am (UTC)Ya know, I'm a big proponent of therapy--it'll help you learn to open up more, and deal with the issues that cause you to think you're not as cool as you are.
And I never thought you were fat, but as you've been avoiding New York lately . . . :-) Seriously, though, I'm all about the getting in shape thing, especially if you're not rail thin already.
And I'll help you with Renee, if you help me with Orlando!
(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-31 11:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-31 01:18 pm (UTC)I quite agree. I've never met you in person, of course, but you've been one of my favorite online people since I first joined TH. You've got plenty going for you, so it's about time you realized it!
But I do understand the self-esteem issues. My self-image can be really contradictory; when I'm alone in my own head I think I'm interesting and funny and insightful, but when I'm in a crowd of people I feel like the most boring person in the world and don't want to speak up because why would anyone possibly be interested in my opinion? I think it has a lot to do with shyness. I've been working on it and have improved quite a bit (I'm a lot more outgoing than I used to be), but still have a ways to go... So I definitely sympathize, and wish you luck with it!
And I'll help you with Renee, if you help me with Orlando!
Hey, you can't have Orlando, you're married! We single gals should have priority with him. ;)
(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-31 01:21 pm (UTC)And they're all right - you're a very cool person, so don't be too hard on yourself.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-31 02:26 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-31 04:40 pm (UTC)Damn, I was hoping people wouldn't notice.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-31 05:15 pm (UTC)As for Nicole Kidman, come hang out where I work. She comes in to shop periodically.
(no subject)
Date: 2002-12-31 06:57 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-01-01 07:40 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-01-01 07:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-01-01 07:43 am (UTC)And thanks for your other thoughts. Therapy is definitely a road I expect to be traveling down.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-01-01 07:45 am (UTC)My self-image can be really contradictory; when I'm alone in my own head I think I'm interesting and funny and insightful, but when I'm in a crowd of people I feel like the most boring person in the world and don't want to speak up because why would anyone possibly be interested in my opinion? I think it has a lot to do with shyness. </I This describes me almost perfectly.
(no subject)
(no subject)
Date: 2003-01-01 07:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-01-01 07:49 am (UTC)And as for As for Nicole Kidman, come hang out where I work. She comes in to shop periodically.
,
She might consider it stalking. Then again, that's a risk I might just have to take. :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2003-01-02 01:22 pm (UTC)As for Nicole Kidman, I'd like to *be* her...in the sense that I'm tall and have curly hair and would like some of her beauty (face and bod) to go with those. Good luck on the stalking. :-)