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I'm completely overwhelmed today, with no real time for posting or reading for a long time (so needless to say, don't expect a review until tonight). But everyone should see Bruce Campbell in an Old Spice ad.

261 Days of Horror, Day 14: Urban Legend

Urban Legend. 1998. Directed by Jamie Blanks. Written by Silvio Horta. Released by TriStar.

Few movies have had me as excited as this one did when it was first announced. I've been obsessed with urban legends ever since I discovered Jan Harold Brunvand's books in college, and the often-graphic cautionary tales have always seemed like a natural for a horror movie. As the movie approached, I backed off a little bit in my enthusiasm, as it looked likely to be typical slasher fare. But I was pleasantly surprised, when it finally came out, to see that it was actually a fun little movie.

That said, I mentioned that I'd be mixing up my reviewing style over the course of this series, and this seems like a perfect movie to break out the old Halloween/Friday the 13th template.

Concept: On a quiet college campus, someone has started killing students using methods that resemble famous urban legends. As the victims (all of whom have some association with Natalie, a nice girl harboring a dark secret) mount, the sordid history of the college itself comes to light. Eventually we learn that Natalie herself was responsible for someone dying in a car accident because of an urban legend. Could someone be seeking revenge on her?

Body Count: 9 (plus a dog)

Really Bad Kills: None are really bad, although I wouldn't have minded some flashbacks to the infamous massacre Wexler lived through. That said, the extended chase/axe murder of Sasha really doesn't fit the movie's theme (ditto the quick murder of her radio engineer), nor does it bring anything new to the table. And the janitor's car-crash death, although inspired by an urban legend, has an almost mundane feel to it.

Really Good Kills: Tons of 'em, as there should be in a theme movie. All have at least something of an urban legend theme, of course:

The first death nicely establishes the tone. Michelle, a nice girl driving all alone, assume that the gas station attendant might be out to get her because, well, he's played by Brad Dourif*. She maces him and drives away in her truck, even as he's trying to warn her that someone's in the back seat of her car.. As she drives along, singing along to "Total Eclipse of the Heart," we see a figure sit up in the back seat. Just as the line, "Turn around, bright eyes," is sung, Michelle sees something in the mirror, turns around, and gets chopped.

You've got to love a murderer who choreographs his or her work to the songs of Jim Steinman. Just imagine if Michelle had been singing along to "Making Love (Out of Nothing at All)."

Our next victim is practical joker Damon. He'd already pretended to choke to death earlier on Pop Rocks and Coke, and now he and Natalie are having a nice quiet moment chatting in his car near the woods. He steps out to use the facilities** and never returns. When Natalie steps out to search for him, she instead finds the hooded killer, who chases her back to the car, then throws a rope around the car's hitch. Damon's neck, of course, is at the other end, so Natalie's attempts to get away end up killing her poor friend. To top everything off, everyone else assumes that Damon was playing a practical joke, and has gone out of town for the weekend. Even Natalie herself is convinced of this for a while.

Tosh, Natalie's goth roommate, is one of those rare examples of a semi-public murder that works for me. Early on, it's established that Tosh is the gothiest chick on campus. And because she's goth, naturally, she's also a drug-using ho who has no problem hooking up with folks while her roommate is around. So naturally, she finds some guy in a chat room and agrees to hook up with him. She asks him what room he's in, then goes off to get gothed up for her new man. When she comes back, the IM answer reads, "yours."

Oh noes, the IM is coming from inside the room!

The killer strangles Tosh, unplugging the computer and lights in the process. When Natalie comes in, she almost flips on the overhead light, but remembers how bitchy Tosh had gotten earlier when she was interrupted, so leaves them off, puts on some headphones to drown out the moaning and bumping, and goes to sleep. When she wakes up, Tosh's wrists have been slit, and on the bathroom mirror, in Tosh's blood, are the words, "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the lights?"

Naturally, since Tosh was goth, everyone just figures she killed herself, because that's what goths do when they're not having sex.

Next, we get to the dean of the college, who has done his best to convince everyone that there isn't a murderer around. He encounters the classic "hide under a car and hamstring people" urban legend. Except he's not at a shopping center, but in a deserted garage. As he tries to crawl away, the killer starts the car, edging it forward and crushing the administrator against the tire spikes at the entrance to the garage. It's a short, nasty, and effective death scene.

Nothing, however, tops the death of Parker, the obnoxious party boy with the cute little dog. He gets a phone call at his crowded party that he assumes is a practical joke played by Damon. After some back-and-forth banter, the killer mentions the urban legend about a woman drying her dog in the microwave, and Parker runs through the crowded kitchen to see that yes, his precious little Hootie had been zapped***. He runs up to the bathroom to throw up, and the killer gets him from behind and pushes his face down into the toilet. When he wakes up, he's been tied down, and the killer pours pop rocks and Drano down his throat. Looks like that combination is, indeed, lethal. Granted, so is any combination involving Drano, but the pop rocks make it fizzier.

This is a completely ludicrous kill, of course. It has tons of failure points (what if Parker throws up in the kitchen, or if Hootie barks, or if one of the other guests needs to use the bathroom?). But it's so damned well-planned, you have to give a little credit.

Celebrities: In the post-Scream age, of course, all horror movies are chock full of semi-famous folks. Natalie, our heroine, is played by Alicia Witt, and Brenda, the killer, is played by Noxzema Chick Rebecca Gayheart. Sex advice chick Sasha is played by Tara Reid, and Damon is played by Joshua Jackson (and since this was filmed at the height of his Dawson's Creek success, we also get an in-joke involving Paula Cole's "I Don't Want to Wait"). Other victims include Michael "Lex Luthor" Rosenbaum as the Drano-guzzling Parker, Jared Leto as the heroic Paul, and Natasha Gregson Wagner**** as Michelle. We also get Robert Englund, of course, as Professor Wexler, but Robert will take any horror movie role that comes his way (see The Mangler). And horror movie fans will get a kick out of Danielle "Tosh" Harris, who was so good as little Jamie in the fourth and fifth Halloween movies.

Denouement: Natalie, having escaped from a car crash that killed the creepy janitor, is on the run. She assumes that Paul is the killer (since he keeps a dead body in the trunk, just like all killers do), and that Paul has just killed her friend Brenda, whom she saw in the window of an abandoned dorm. She runs to the dorm to help her, and eventually finds what she assumes is Brenda's corpse. As she starts to look away and cry, Brenda sits up and knocks Natalie unconscious.

Once Natalie is awake, Brenda attacks her with the worst weapon imaginable: exposition! We learn that the accident that Natalie and Michelle caused years ago didn't just kill some guy; it killed Brenda's fiance. And what better way to seek revenge than to kill the two people responsible for his death, as well as the deaths of a bunch of other people who weren't involved at all?

While Brenda is yammering away, campus cop Reese (the only smart person in the movie) makes it to the tower and gets the drop on Brenda. She frees Natalie, but Brenda eventually stabs her and, in the process of the two of them wrestling for the gun, shoots her. Heroic Paul makes a save next, distracting Brenda long enough for Reese to fire her backup gun at her, and Natalie uses the other gun and blows her away (with Brenda even falling out the window).

But wait! Even though Brenda took Michael Myers levels of damage, she somehow sneaks into the back seat of Paul's car and attacks the lovers as they drive away. More stuggles ensue, and eventually, Brenda's bullet-ridden body ends up floating away in a river.

But wait! Sometime in the not too distant future, we see a bunch of college students with the worst fashion sense imaginable retelling this story, and eventually, we realize that one of them is Brenda! The killer lives!

Miscellany: The director also gave us Valentine, which might be one of the five worst holiday-themed movies ever. Credit for the good moments in this movie has to go to screenwriter Silvio Horta, also the creator of Jake 2.0 and a writer and producer on Ugly Betty.

Overall: This movie is deeply flawed, but has enough going for it to be enjoyable. There's plenty of utter nonsense (why bother murdering the dean, or the professor, or even Natalie's friends?), and most of the murders are incredibly contrived (and let's not get started on why everyone on campus owns the same fucking parka. Were they having a sale at Red Herrings 'R' Us?). But this is a movie that at least plays fair by the ridiculous rules it establishes, and the urban legend themes are solidly amusing. Throw in some witty dialogue and a good cast, and it's definitely one of the more enjoyable of the post-Scream slasher flicks.

Do not, however, waste any time on the "sequel," which fails on every level.

*It's not a bad assumption, really. I pretty much always assume that Brad's going to try to kill me.

**By which I mean "trees."

***I should note that I do not endorse the killing of animals, even in horror movies. But in this case, it does fit with the theme.

****Well, at the time she was likely to be really famous. Her career derailment is up there with Zach Galligan's.