(no subject)

[yendi]

So, we got home at a bit before 5. By 5:15, I'd fallen asleep. Hard. Slept until about 11:30. Woke up, and <;j user="shadesong"> was asleep. Realized I was felling four things. Depressed, achy, hungry, and like my bladder was full.

I painfully crawled out of bed and took care of the last problem first, then made the same salsa I'd made the night before to take care of the hunger (since I'd slept through dinner, the hunger wasn't a surprise).

I have no idea why I'm so depressed. Well, I've got a few thoughts, but nothing concrete. Part of it is the combination of work bullshit and my white knight complex at home (seeing 'song going through shit, and not being able to solve it). But part of it is something else. Most of you would call it empathy; a few of you would call it subconscious realization of something without conscious awareness of it. Either way, I know something shitty is either happening to someone I know, or because of someone I know (and directed at me), but I can't put my finger on it.

And to top it off, I just threw up (should probably have put a tmi warning here). Not because of the salsa, I think -- I was feeling icky before, but I assumed it was because I hadn't eaten in a while. It's entirely possible that I've got some sort of tummy bug, which may account for that last paragraph, too.

So I'm just going to go lie on the couch and read Lamb now. Between the sickness, the depression, and the physical pain, I won't be going to work tomorrow, that's for sure.

Comments

Damn, Adam....

[sambear.livejournal.com]

...sounds like altogether a sucky, sucky night.

Do you take anything for your depression? I take Zoloft and it has changed my frickin' life for the good. But then again, not everyone likes medications and not everyone gets the same effects from the same meds.

I totally understand the White Knight syndrome (I think, although I could be wrong)...the feeling like you should be able to just ride in and save someone else from their personal demons? Like you should be able to somehow fix problems that aren't yours to fix?

It would be a wonderful thing if we could, but so far I've not been able to do it for anyone, and I've been trying for over 15 years now. Best I can hope for is to keep my own sanity intact and try to figure out a way to provide a safe haven for someone to work through their own shit. It has taught me an awful lot about unconditional love...and how setting boundaries is part of loving someone. But I don't have to tell you that, right?

Salsa in the middle of the night??? Eeep! Isn't that courting an ulcer or something, man?

Be careful! (Mothering Mode Off)

Re: Damn, Adam....

[yendi]

You're dead on about the White Knight syndrome. I've also come to terms with it, mostly, but it's still frustrating.

The depression only hits about three or four times a year, and it's usually induced (or at least influenced) by shit happening in my life, so I'm not really sure how much of it is treatable my medication, although I'm trying to be more aware of how and when it affects me, to see if there's a chance of it being clinical depression.

And the salsa wasn't too spicy! It was the Ro-Tel tomatoes with cilantro and lime juice, not the super-spicy one (although all of their products have green chiles). And the corn cooled it down some, too.

[m0usegrrl.livejournal.com]

funny enough, i've been having a similar feeling, that something shitty is happening to someone, or going to. and i can't attribute that to nerves about stuff in my own life...