On kids and lying

[yendi]

A discussion in technomom's lj a few nights ago talking about how we react when our children lie. Tonight offered me another chance to handle such a situation.

Elayna was really tired and cranky by the end of the night. After she got dressed post-bath, she wandered out to the living room to ask me something about the fish. After I looked at it and assured her it was okay, she declared that she was ready for bed. After climbing in, she told me that she'd already brushed her teeth and counted to sixty while doing so.

Now, understand, Elayna hates brushing her teeth. Hates it to death.

But, she is seven years old, and is learning the whole responsibility thing. She has certainly done things she doesn't like (like eating her vitamin) at times without prompting, so it wasn't impossible.

Moreover, nothing about the way she said it sounded insincere.

But, as I've mentioned before, I'm good at knowing when I'm being lied to. Damned good.

So as I was getting her a glass of water, I felt the toothbrushes. Amazingly enough, all of them were dry. And the cup in her cupholder was totally dry as well (she would never skip rinsing). I called out to her asking her which toothbrush she had used. She responded that she used her purple one, because the cow one was hard to get out of the holder. This would have been a damned good answer, aside from the fact that A) the purple brush was dry, and B) the cow brush, normally so hard to get out of the holder, had not been put back in the holder this morning, and was sitting right on the counter.

I didn't say anything. Perhaps more importantly, in light of the comments I've made elsewhere, I didn't even get upset. I've said that I wanted to control my anger more when I'm lied to, and this was not a lie worth blowing up over. I called everyone in, and we all kissed her goodnight.

Fifteen minutes later, I'm watching the Jets game (go Jets!), and Elayna calls out to me. I go into her room, and she asks me, "Adam, would you be mad if I told you I lied to you?"

"Honey, I'm sure I'd be a little upset, but not as upset if I found out you lied and you didn't tell me about it."

"Well, it's about brushing my teeth."

"You didn't do it, did you?"

She shook her head. I hugged her, and told her that I knew, and asked her if she would ever lie about brushing her teeth again. She promised that she wouldn't. I then gave her another hug, and told her that I was proud of her for telling me the truth.

And I am. She's at the age where she has to learn responsibility on her own, and this was a major step. I would never have called her on this one (although she had to have guessed that I had caught on). All kids tell the occasional lie. I'd rather she feel guilt and shame over it, and decide to come clean on her own, then I yell at her or punish her for it (provided it's an issolated event, and I really think it is). So yeah, even though Elayna lied, I'm damned proud of her, and I've told her so (although in the context of her admitting it).

I won't ever tell her this part, but I'm also kinda proud of the intricacy of the lie. She had a backup excuse that was either ready, or that she was able to create on the fly. Either way, it shows a nice level of logical thinking. It may not have been used for good in this instance, but it's still a positive trait overall (and the same one she's using on her tangram puzzles on the computer, which are damned hard).

Comments

[olliesmama.livejournal.com]

I understand completely about the proud part. My mom said that raising me was hard because I was too damned smart for my own good. I could make up excuses that would make the Devil believe me. Now on the other hand, my uncle was about six when my grandmother noticed a spot of rust on the screen window. She knew he had been peeing out of it at night instead of getting up to go to the bathroom. She asked him about it, most casually, and he replied, "Susie (my mom) did it." Can you IMAGINE the postition my mom would have had to get into to pee OUT a screen window/
ROFL

[ariadnesthread.livejournal.com]

I'm impressed all around--at your handling of the incident, and at Elayna's well-developed conscience. Good job by the whole family. :-)

[yendi]

Thanks. :-) By the time I truly believe in my skills, Elayna will already be an adult.