Warren Ellis, on Batman Done Right

[yendi]

Yeah, this is just a cut-and-paste plagiarism. But it's a great column.


It occurs to me that an awful lot
of trouble in Gotham City could
have been averted a long time ago
if Batman had just ripped the Joker's
nipples off.

I mean, treatment doesn't work,
does it? They stick the Joker in the
nuthatch, he comes out again and
does the same things.

A man with the nipples ripped off him
does not make the same mistakes
twice.

Criminals are a superstitious,
cowardly lot, and need the nipples
ripped off them.

I mean, who's going to argue?

"Batman, I've heard disturbing
reports that you ripped the Joker's
nipples off."

"Choke on my fuck, Commissioner
Gordon."

"...okay."

I mean, crime in Gotham City doesn't
exactly seem to be affected by a man
dressed as a bat flapping around the
place. But no-one disobeys a man
wearing a necklace of human nipples.

"I'm Batman" isn't cutting it in the
striking-fear-into-their-hearts
stakes. But "I'm Batman -- and I'm
here for your nipples" is an entirely
different proposition.

Criminals would see the error of
their ways after a man in a black
leather pervert suit had their
nipples off with the edge of a Batarang,
you mark my words. Or a
Bat-Denipplizer.

I'm off to ring Bob Schreck at DC
Comics.