On forgiveness and being welcome in my home

[yendi]

As some of you may know, I have a wee bit of a caretaker complex (in the same way that Jesus had a wee bit of a martyr complex). I'm usually pretty good about folks who hurt me, but hurting folks I care about tends to send me over the edge. It's not a matter of forgiveness, but of remembering. I don't forget when folks prove they can't be trusted.

This came up this weekend, when someone who had hurt shadesong royally assumed that he was invited into our house again. She might be willing to talk to him again. But you know what? I'm not a guest in this house. It's my house. And if you piss me off, you're not invited. Ever. I've got enough issues with folks I like being in my house (see this post for my issues there). But I've got no reason to let someone I can't stand into my space. And the only two people I've specifically said were verboten are folks who fucked shadesong over (although, to be fair, one of the assholes was banned at the time he'd merely fucked me over -- this is the one that shadesong refers to as "The Fox Who Was Really A Weasel," although that name does a disservice to weasels). The first one, at least, was never dumb enough to presume he'd be welcome in our home, even after shadesong was willing to talk to him again. But the latter, after being explicitly told that he wasn't invited to event X because his kind (asshole scum) isn't welcome in my house, actually had the gall to email shadesong asking if he could then come to event Y instead. I need to start remembering that just because someone's an asshole (and a pretentious and grammatically challenged one at that), doesn't mean that they're not an idiot as well.

Comments

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

People think I'm the unforgiving one.... :)

I'm the same way, as you know. Fuck with me - well, I have the boundary issues, so I tend to take a lot of abuse without knowing the abuse exists, and I tend to give way too many chances. But fuck with my loved ones, and I go into mama-wolf mode...

[melanie.livejournal.com]

"It's not a matter of forgiveness, but of remembering. I don't forget when folks prove they can't be trusted."

that is now my newest, favoritest quote.

[yendi]

*bows* Thank you! :-)

[misterx.livejournal.com]

"It's not a matter of forgiveness, but of remembering. I don't forget when folks prove they can't be trusted."

Your post made me think, and I had a question. Is a "one screw up and I'll never deal with you again" policy feasible when dealing with humans? Doesn't everybody screw up some time? How do you weigh one screw up against other times when they didn't screw up?

I guess I'm asking what are your thoughts on forgiveness.

[yendi]

Oh, it's a sliding scale, and it really does change from situation to situation. I've never pretended it's something quantifiable, just that once someone has finally convinced me I can't trust them, I remember that.

[misterx.livejournal.com]

Ah. That can be a hard decision to make. Easier if the person doesn't have much to do with you though.

[cissa.livejournal.com]

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me! *hugs*

[aki-dreaming.livejournal.com]

You remind me of Legolan. I have a short list of people who are never allowed in my house again because she's still pissed at what they did to me. Sometimes I think she's just borrowing trouble, but mostly I'm just glad to have someone more on my side than I am at times.

[wintersweet.livejournal.com]

I can't think of anyone I feel that way about except one person who 'net-stalked me for a while. So yeah, anyone who does scary stuff ... not welcome. I've only had two conflagrations on LJ that I remember, and one was reconciled with mutual apologies. There's one guy I quit talking to years ago after he stood me up for a car trip to a convention, but I'd talk to him if I ran into him again. People who were merely verbally vicious to me, there's always a chance, if they apologize.

Or even if they don't--I'm still talking to my mom, after all. ;D

Scary people like net-stalker above are a whole different ballgame. Good for you for protecting your loved ones! Just don't forget to take care of yourself, too, Mr. White Knight Syndrome. (One of the things I'm talking to my therapist about, myself...)

[sff-corgi.livejournal.com]

Heh. Your mother doesn't apologise either? Mine's idea of an apology is, like, steak. I get the actual words out of her once in a blue moon.

[wintersweet.livejournal.com]

When I lived with her she'd apologize occasionally, but then she'd do the same thing over again, so it didn't really count. ;p

[suitboyskin.livejournal.com]

*DAMNIT!!!! Twice in one day I am lured out of my self-imposed exile/hiatus*

You're, literally, the first person that I've ever met who shares my opinion on not tolerating curs who prove that they are untrustworthy in my life, let alone in my home...how sad is that? The Lion's share of people in my rapidly diminishing social circle all seem to think that I'm an inflexible prick where this issue is concerned.

*raises a glass to you for inadvertantly validating me in some small way*

[amokk]

It's not a matter of forgiveness, but of remembering. I don't forget when folks prove they can't be trusted.

Should make that into a bumper sticker... I'd buy one.

[mizdandylynn.livejournal.com]

I will often forgive several times when I have been hurt... sometimes making sure I haven't hit my old pattern of paranoia.. or that I haven't been too sensitive. But when someone has finally crossed my last line.. they will be "dead" to me. I no longer acknowledge their presence. I have no compunction whatsoever about dropping them from my circle.

But, like you... when someone has hurt someone I love. They seldom get a second chance. The old line.. screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me... I do not like shame.

[megthelegend.livejournal.com]

You make some great points, Yendipants.

I lean more towards your way of thinking -- I don't exclude people for revenge, but because I just can't trust or like them any more -- rather than shadesong's attitude of forgiveness.

I think it's easier to forgive when the crappy behaviour is directed towards you, rather than a loved one, too. (which is by no means a criticism of either of you)

I greatly admire the protectiveness both of you have towards each other, Elayna, and your friends.