Relaxing weekend, and crappy Bond

[yendi]

So, with docorion in town this weekend (and thus keeping shadesong occupied), I had something I relish and almost never get -- the house to myself!

Which meant I could accomplish all the things I've been meaning to do: Sitting around in my underwear, playing the PS2 without interruption, and watching Bond movies. :-)

Two of those were the two best Roger Moore movies (The Spy Who Loved Me and For Your Eyes Only, if you really had to ask)

And I did something I swore I'd never do again: I watched License to Kill.

I'd sworn never to watch it again, even if it was included in the one Bond DVD box set I got before they went out of print again (and that, more than anything else, is why I want the new Casino Royale to ramp up production, so I can complete my collection). But after averyslave's recent look at the Bond series failed to rank it last or even in the bottom five, I figured I'd give it another go.

Conclusion: Still the worst Bond ever.

Oh, there are good moments, and good intentions (until Brosnan, Dalton was the only Bond actor who'd ever channeled rage into the part), but that's about it.

The flaws start with the villains, from the hyper Beicio Del Toro as a young punk to the overparanoid drug lord played by Robert "Mr. Bad Movie" Davi who trusts nobody he's known forever, but does trust the mysterious ex-British agent he meets under mysterious circumstances who sneaks out of his place. Throw in Wayne Fucking Newton as a corrupt new-age spiritualist, Anthony Zerbie as the drug-running middleman, and (most annoying of all) Anthony Starke (yes, Tony Stark -- it's Iron Man!) as Truman-Lodge, the most annoying bean-counter ever, and you've got a group of bad guys who could put The Tick's Mr. Exciting to sleep.

Then there are the assorted plotholes, from the killing of Sharkey (which, while well-deserved in the sense that he was an annoying and useless character, and also good for angering Bond, made no sense, in that if the bad guys tracked him down and figured out that he was in on the first drug raid, how did they not catch Bond's involvement?), to the bank that lets the corrupt president know about a huge new deposit, but not a large withdrawal, to tacked-on plotlines involving a drug bust and a missile deal that are there solely to delay Bond's revenge. Add in Robert Brown's M (worst M ever), the whole "Q is officially unofficially helping" crap, the ludicrous opening scene (sure, they'll fly a chopper to block a wedding and get one more guy for a raid, because, you know, those FBI guys don't have partners or entire teams to handle things), and, just to make us walk out of the theatre really wanting to kill ourselves, Patti LaBelle's "If You Asked me To" playing inexplicably over the closing credits, and you've got a film that makes me want to dangle my feet in a shark tank.

The few things that I liked: Both Bond girls were fun, if nothing special. And, unusually, both lived (of course, no mention is made of the fact that both of them spent some serious time helping drug lords -- that fact gets overlooked just a wee bit). The underwater scenes here are actually amongst the best in any Bond flick, with realistic fights and Bond not playing superhero. And Bond's flambéing of the drug lord is quite nice (even if it comes after one of the silliest chase scenes in the series). And I do love Felix as a character. But that's way too little for me. Seriously, bad as some of the other flicks in the series have been, they all have more going for them than this one.

Comments

[zarhooie.livejournal.com]

But are they Beaker underwears? :P

[yendi]

Nope. Although I take great pride in my collection of boxers, I don't own any with Muppets.

[robyn-ma.livejournal.com]

'I take great pride in my collection of boxers'

Do you have them filed alphabetically in longboxes and sealed in Mylars? :)

[yendi]

I should. It would prevent them from wearing out. Might make them uncomfortable to wear, though.

[crystalrowan.livejournal.com]

Off topic, but I believe you're an MST3K buff. Did you ever see the movie they did that was about a guy living in this Utopian society who finds a can of Old Milwaulkee which leads to the discovery that the Utopia they live in is actually a facility for the breeding of clones of famous and rich individuals in "the real world"? I am trying to remember the name of that movie as I'm 99% sure The Island is a remake of that movie. :)

[yendi]

*nod* That would be Clonus also known as The Clonus Horror, and last I heard, the director of it is planning on suing Bay and company.

[crystalrowan.livejournal.com]

Oh wow! I assumed it was a straight-out remake since the plots were so similar. They might have a pretty good case. :)

[wjf.livejournal.com]

I just gotta say, that was the movie that put me in lust with Carey Lowell. Have never quite lost that, either. :)

[yendi]

*nod* She was a delight in this -- fun to watch, and gorgeous. And I can't say I minded watching the future Princess Katana in action, either.

[stevietee.livejournal.com]

You don't see a hint of rage in Connery's depiction?

[yendi]

Not really. An underlying sense of brutality, sure, but not rage. Then again, his didn't have all that much to be angry about until after the events of the one film he skipped, and the one film he did after that -- Diamonds are Forever -- was one of the fluffier films he did.

[unwilly.livejournal.com]

Best Rooger Moore?

No such animal exists.

[yendi]

Moore may have been (well, definitely was) the worst Bond, but some of his movies were perfectly decent, if not top-notch. YOLT and TSWLM are both damned fine films.

[unwilly.livejournal.com]

We must agree, to disagree.

I will say that I found Moore tolerable as the Saint.

[averyslave.livejournal.com]

Are you referring to For Your Eyes Only? "YOLT" would be You Only Live Twice, a Connery.

[yendi]

Um, yeah. Damned Bondian acronyms.

[terracinque.livejournal.com]

Conclusion: Still the worst Bond ever.

How can you possibly say that, when Casino Royale and View To A Kill are still out there, waiting to suck for any unsuspecting fool reckless enough to rent them?

[yendi]

I don't count CR (at least, not the version that I suspect you're talking about, and I won't judge the 2006 version until it's released) as an "official" Bond movie, so it wasn't in the running.

As for VTAK, I don't hate is as much as you and averyslave (who ranked it at the bottom of his list) do. I'd place it above both LTK and Moonraker in terms of watchability, although I freely admit that I've got strong sentimental feelings for it (it was the first Bond film I saw in a theater with a group of friends).

[terracinque.livejournal.com]

Moonraker is pretty sucky too. In fact, if I'd thought of it I'd have put it in the sentence with the other two.

[yendi]

I thought that the first half of Moonraker had potential. It's only after we get Happy Fun Jaws and a massive space/laser version of the climactic battles from TSWLM and Thunderball that I really feel the hate.

[phantom_wolfboy]

until Brosnan, Dalton was the only Bond actor who'd ever channeled rage into the part

ooooh, nice catch. I hadn't thought of it in those terms, but you're right, and you hit the nail on the head for why I like Brosnan as Bond.

[yendi]

Thanks. Part of what occured to me while re-watching LTK was how much DAD worked with some of the same concepts -- a furious Bond bent on revenge, cut loose by M, etc.

[averyslave.livejournal.com]

I put some extra thought into it, and I still can't see "Licence" being the worst. "A View To A Kill" and "Moonraker" are just too damaged to live. And if given the choice between a seriously flawed "Licence to Kill" and a completely pointless "The Living Daylights", I'd choose "Licence" every time.

I will admit there is a little play in my countdown around the bottom four, five, and six. Arguably, I could put "Licence" under "You Only Live Twice", but Bond as a Japanese fisherman gets me every time.

Either way, no argument on "Licence" being bad. I just consider both of Dalton's Bonds to be much better than Moore at his worst. Dalton was so underrated as Bond, but was such a departure from Moore that he was doomed to failure even before the cameras rolled. If a young Dalton was following Pierce today, we'd probably accept him more easily.

[yendi]

Oh, Dalton himself was much better than Moore at his worst (although I don't think Moore gets enough credit for FYEO or TSWLM). And yeah, Dalton today (um, without aging or having lost all credibility via The Beautician and the Beast) would be an interesting follow-up to Brosnan. He had more the bad fortune to be the right age at the wrong time.

We'll just have to agree to disagree on the overall ranking of the other films. But an intersesting (and horrifying) fact I came across: Until Goldeneye, Moonraker was the highest grossing Bond film! Truly disturbing.