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yendiWes Craven Presents: Wishmaster. 1997. Directed by Robert Kurtzman. Written by Peter Akins. Released by Roadshow Entertainment.
There are three words that scare the hell out of me when I see them associated with a movie: "Wes Craven Presents." Like many directors, Craven has lent his name to a few movies directed by others to help bolster ticket sales. However, Craven either has the worst taste in the world, or is cynically willing to throw his name on any project that sends him a hefty check. Either way, the words "Wes Craven Presents" have come to be synonymous for "crappy movie." Granted, Craven himself has had his lapses*, but these movies are unbelievably crappy.
Wes Craven Presents Wishmaster might be the best of the lot, mainly due to gimmicky (but fun) casting and a concept that's actually got some potential (even if it's completely wasted here). It does offer some decent special effects, and if you can get past the awful, awful plot contrivances, there are a few amusing kills.
We start with. . . narration! But it's by Angus Scrimm, so that's okay. Angus tells us that when God created the universe, the fire He used gave birth to a race of evil creatures known as djinn. Anyone who wakes the djinn is given three wishes, and once the third wish is granted, the "unholy legions" of djinn will be released to rule the earth. In other words, God doesn't just play dice with the universe; He also plays some sort of fucked-up game that's essentially rigged for humanity to lose.
Just to show us that Angus isn't kidding, we start back in historically-accurate Persia, where a djinn grants the second of three wishes to a sultan. The djinn twists a request to show him wonders into all sorts of gruesome and awful murders (with folks turning into snakes, getting their skeletons ripped out, spontaneously combusting, etc.). We don't see any cats and dogs living together, but I assure you that there's mass hysteria. Naturally, the sultan's all ready to make his third wish (to cancel the second one) when, in a twist quite possibly never seen before in movies**, his grand vizier turns out to be wise and good, and casts a spell that traps the djinn in a stone. The world is saved, for now.
Let's stop and talk about the premise here. If any human frees a djinn, that djinn will perform three wishes, then open up the portal to hell (or wherever djinn live), thus destroying the world. Even though the human making the wish has no way to know the consequences. And in the thousands of years of history, it's never happened. This can mean only one of two things: Either the Persian djinn is the only one ever freed, or the djinn are a monumentally stupid group of people who couldn't win a game of tic-tac-toe if you spotted them two "X"s. Also, it means that for the first few million years of the planet's existence, the djinn were screwed, as humans weren't capable of making coherent wishes. Sucks to be them.
Anyway, in the present day, a rich man played by Robert Englund is importing a bunch of artifacts. A drunken dockworker screws up and ends up dropping a crate on poor Ted Raimi, and the jewel pops loose. A trip to a pawn shop and then a geological research lab later, and it's in the hands of the lovely Alex, played by Tammy Lauren (a good thing if, like me, you were one of six fans of Martial Law) before the cast was rejiggered). Alex rubs the jewel, which makes the djinn eight kinds of happy, but she then runs off to play basketball, and for some reason***, the djinn stays in the jewel to hang out or something.
Naturally, Alex's fellow geologist decides to do some work on the gem, and naturally enough, attempting to apply science to a magical gem causes a massive explosion! As the scientist lies dying on the floor, he hears a disembodied voice ask if he wishes the pain would go away, and he says yes. The djinn does, indeed, make his pain go away. And this is where we get the other "twist" in the power of the djinn; djinn also grant wishes to everyone they meet, not just the person who frees them. But for other people, they gain power over the wisher's immortal soul, and absorbing the soul (which the djinn can do at any time after the wish is granted) give the djinn extra power.
Thus, the djinn joins the platypus on the "what the fuck was God thinking?" list.
Anyway, now that the djinn's been let out of thebottle jewel, he goes around and commits random acts of wish-fulfillment. A saleswoman who wishes to remain eternally beautiful gets turned into a mannequin. A homeless guy wishes that an asshole store clerk would die of cancer, and the poor clerk turns into a choking, tumor-laden mess in seconds. While this is happening, Alex gets random flashes showing the djinn, as her freeing him has created some sort of weird psychic connection.
The next chunk of the movie consists of Tammy getting exposition from a Professor of Explaining Background Facts to Protagonists, and the Djinn tracking Alex down. This section includes a confrontation with a doorman played by Kane "Jason Vorhees" Hodder, who, tough guy that he is, wishes to see the djinn get through him. The djinn then turns Hodder into a part of the glass door, and promptly goes through him, shattering him in the process. We also get to see a man's jaw ripped off when a cop wishes that a criminal would finally do something in front of witnesses and get caught. I do have to give them f/x points for both of these kills, even if they're poorly and gratuitously woven into the plot.
After the djinn confronts Alex and manages to get two wishes out of her, we move to the denouement, a party at the penthouse owned by Robert Englund's character. In a scene that pushes even the "logic" of the djinn, our titular villain gets past this building's doorman (played by Tony "Candyman" Todd) by talking him into wishing for a chance to escape, and then chaining the sucker in a tank filled with water. After all, Houdini was able to escape from that setup, so the wish was honored. In another life, the djinn was likely a used car salesman.
At the party, we get a near-repeat of the opening scene, with Englund wishing for an unforgettable party, and the djinn honoring the wish with a ton of special effects gimmicks, like living statues, more flames, piano wires decapitating people****, etc. Eventually, Alex realizes that the solution is to use her third wish to wish that the events at the dock never happened, which causes none of the other wishes to happen, and the stone is never discovered. Yes, the world is saved because of a variation of a time travel paradox.
Although Wishmaster is a bad, bad movie, it's as much fun as a bad movie can be. Director Robert Kurtzman doesn't have much in the way of directorial talent, but he's a veteran f/x man, and this movie is a showcase for all sorts of gruesome stuff. The opening five minutes alone are worth seeing for any fan of the genre. There are also tons of horror in-jokes, from the stunt casting (which also includes genre vets like Reggie Bannister, George "Buck" Flower, Rico Ross, and Joseph Pilato) to characters with names like Derleth, Beaumont, Etchison, and Clegg.
But cute in-jokes and solid f/x will only take you so far. Screenwriter Peter Atkins is the man who gave us Hellraisers 3 and 4*****, and although this plot is certainly better than the ones from those movies, there are still logic holes miles wide here, and the dialogue is pretty universally terrible. Kurtzman has great talent as an f/x artist, but he doesn't show much promise in terms of his abilities to pace a film or get much out of his cast. Lead Andrew Divoff (who I'm happy as hell to see on Lost) is fun, but no one in the cast gives much more than an average performance.
Overall, Wes Craven Presents Wishmaster might be the best movie with "Wes Craven Presents" at the front of the title******, and it's certainly leagues better than any of the three sequels. But it's far from good, and should probably only be rented once to catch the gimmicky death scenes.
*The Hills Have Eyes 2, for example. Complete with dog flashback.
**Seriously. Is there any better way to convince an audience that you're evil than to be a grand vizier?
***Okay, it's because he's weakened from being trapped in there. But really, that just strikes me as lame.
****The piano wire victim is director Robert Kurtzman.
*****He also wrote Hellraiser 2, but that was off a story and consult with Barker.
******And the recent DVD reissue dropped the "Wes Craven Presents" from the box, although it still appears in the opening credits.
There are three words that scare the hell out of me when I see them associated with a movie: "Wes Craven Presents." Like many directors, Craven has lent his name to a few movies directed by others to help bolster ticket sales. However, Craven either has the worst taste in the world, or is cynically willing to throw his name on any project that sends him a hefty check. Either way, the words "Wes Craven Presents" have come to be synonymous for "crappy movie." Granted, Craven himself has had his lapses*, but these movies are unbelievably crappy.
Wes Craven Presents Wishmaster might be the best of the lot, mainly due to gimmicky (but fun) casting and a concept that's actually got some potential (even if it's completely wasted here). It does offer some decent special effects, and if you can get past the awful, awful plot contrivances, there are a few amusing kills.
We start with. . . narration! But it's by Angus Scrimm, so that's okay. Angus tells us that when God created the universe, the fire He used gave birth to a race of evil creatures known as djinn. Anyone who wakes the djinn is given three wishes, and once the third wish is granted, the "unholy legions" of djinn will be released to rule the earth. In other words, God doesn't just play dice with the universe; He also plays some sort of fucked-up game that's essentially rigged for humanity to lose.
Just to show us that Angus isn't kidding, we start back in historically-accurate Persia, where a djinn grants the second of three wishes to a sultan. The djinn twists a request to show him wonders into all sorts of gruesome and awful murders (with folks turning into snakes, getting their skeletons ripped out, spontaneously combusting, etc.). We don't see any cats and dogs living together, but I assure you that there's mass hysteria. Naturally, the sultan's all ready to make his third wish (to cancel the second one) when, in a twist quite possibly never seen before in movies**, his grand vizier turns out to be wise and good, and casts a spell that traps the djinn in a stone. The world is saved, for now.
Let's stop and talk about the premise here. If any human frees a djinn, that djinn will perform three wishes, then open up the portal to hell (or wherever djinn live), thus destroying the world. Even though the human making the wish has no way to know the consequences. And in the thousands of years of history, it's never happened. This can mean only one of two things: Either the Persian djinn is the only one ever freed, or the djinn are a monumentally stupid group of people who couldn't win a game of tic-tac-toe if you spotted them two "X"s. Also, it means that for the first few million years of the planet's existence, the djinn were screwed, as humans weren't capable of making coherent wishes. Sucks to be them.
Anyway, in the present day, a rich man played by Robert Englund is importing a bunch of artifacts. A drunken dockworker screws up and ends up dropping a crate on poor Ted Raimi, and the jewel pops loose. A trip to a pawn shop and then a geological research lab later, and it's in the hands of the lovely Alex, played by Tammy Lauren (a good thing if, like me, you were one of six fans of Martial Law) before the cast was rejiggered). Alex rubs the jewel, which makes the djinn eight kinds of happy, but she then runs off to play basketball, and for some reason***, the djinn stays in the jewel to hang out or something.
Naturally, Alex's fellow geologist decides to do some work on the gem, and naturally enough, attempting to apply science to a magical gem causes a massive explosion! As the scientist lies dying on the floor, he hears a disembodied voice ask if he wishes the pain would go away, and he says yes. The djinn does, indeed, make his pain go away. And this is where we get the other "twist" in the power of the djinn; djinn also grant wishes to everyone they meet, not just the person who frees them. But for other people, they gain power over the wisher's immortal soul, and absorbing the soul (which the djinn can do at any time after the wish is granted) give the djinn extra power.
Thus, the djinn joins the platypus on the "what the fuck was God thinking?" list.
Anyway, now that the djinn's been let out of the
The next chunk of the movie consists of Tammy getting exposition from a Professor of Explaining Background Facts to Protagonists, and the Djinn tracking Alex down. This section includes a confrontation with a doorman played by Kane "Jason Vorhees" Hodder, who, tough guy that he is, wishes to see the djinn get through him. The djinn then turns Hodder into a part of the glass door, and promptly goes through him, shattering him in the process. We also get to see a man's jaw ripped off when a cop wishes that a criminal would finally do something in front of witnesses and get caught. I do have to give them f/x points for both of these kills, even if they're poorly and gratuitously woven into the plot.
After the djinn confronts Alex and manages to get two wishes out of her, we move to the denouement, a party at the penthouse owned by Robert Englund's character. In a scene that pushes even the "logic" of the djinn, our titular villain gets past this building's doorman (played by Tony "Candyman" Todd) by talking him into wishing for a chance to escape, and then chaining the sucker in a tank filled with water. After all, Houdini was able to escape from that setup, so the wish was honored. In another life, the djinn was likely a used car salesman.
At the party, we get a near-repeat of the opening scene, with Englund wishing for an unforgettable party, and the djinn honoring the wish with a ton of special effects gimmicks, like living statues, more flames, piano wires decapitating people****, etc. Eventually, Alex realizes that the solution is to use her third wish to wish that the events at the dock never happened, which causes none of the other wishes to happen, and the stone is never discovered. Yes, the world is saved because of a variation of a time travel paradox.
Although Wishmaster is a bad, bad movie, it's as much fun as a bad movie can be. Director Robert Kurtzman doesn't have much in the way of directorial talent, but he's a veteran f/x man, and this movie is a showcase for all sorts of gruesome stuff. The opening five minutes alone are worth seeing for any fan of the genre. There are also tons of horror in-jokes, from the stunt casting (which also includes genre vets like Reggie Bannister, George "Buck" Flower, Rico Ross, and Joseph Pilato) to characters with names like Derleth, Beaumont, Etchison, and Clegg.
But cute in-jokes and solid f/x will only take you so far. Screenwriter Peter Atkins is the man who gave us Hellraisers 3 and 4*****, and although this plot is certainly better than the ones from those movies, there are still logic holes miles wide here, and the dialogue is pretty universally terrible. Kurtzman has great talent as an f/x artist, but he doesn't show much promise in terms of his abilities to pace a film or get much out of his cast. Lead Andrew Divoff (who I'm happy as hell to see on Lost) is fun, but no one in the cast gives much more than an average performance.
Overall, Wes Craven Presents Wishmaster might be the best movie with "Wes Craven Presents" at the front of the title******, and it's certainly leagues better than any of the three sequels. But it's far from good, and should probably only be rented once to catch the gimmicky death scenes.
*The Hills Have Eyes 2, for example. Complete with dog flashback.
**Seriously. Is there any better way to convince an audience that you're evil than to be a grand vizier?
***Okay, it's because he's weakened from being trapped in there. But really, that just strikes me as lame.
****The piano wire victim is director Robert Kurtzman.
*****He also wrote Hellraiser 2, but that was off a story and consult with Barker.
******And the recent DVD reissue dropped the "Wes Craven Presents" from the box, although it still appears in the opening credits.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-03 02:19 am (UTC)You're being too kind.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-03 02:35 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-03 02:39 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-03 02:20 am (UTC)(PS, your first footnote has an extra *.)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-03 02:38 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-03 03:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-03 02:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-03 05:52 am (UTC)I'd send you all the links but you can find them through IMDBing and Googling easily if you care.
I would cause of Divoff... but I have enough comics and movies, I don't need "The Rage".
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-03 02:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-03 01:37 pm (UTC)(I'm in yur LJ, proofing yur formatz...)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-03 02:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-03 08:19 pm (UTC)