Days of Horror: The Graveyard
Jan. 1st, 2008 04:38 pmThe Graveyard. 2006. Directed by Michael Feifer. Written by Michael Hurst. Released by Lion's Gate.
Any movie in which the sheriff is played by an actor named Sam Bologna* is worth watching. Or so I used to think. Then again, how many movies are written by Michael Hurst, the genius who penned Mansquito and directed House of the Dead 2 (not to be confused with the guy who played Iolaus on Hercules, who is almost certainly a better writer)? Director Michael Feifer, according to his clearly unbiased IMDB bio, "is known as someone who always makes a film on-time, on-budget yet with a production quality that studio executives can't believe." I share the same disbelief as the studio execs. This movie is a clusterfuck.
The Graveyard opens in, of all places, a graveyard. A bunch of teenagers -- played by assorted late-twenty-somethings -- decide to play hide-and-seek in the local graveyard, because that's what kids do for fun nowadays when they're not smoking dope or posting on The MySpace. But wait! It's all a practical joke setup, as one of them dresses as a killer and pretends to stalk the guy who is "it." And, as happens every time a practical joke gets played in a horror movie, it goes horribly wrong, as the scared kid (Eric) runs straight into a sharpened piece of a broken gate. Remember kids -- practical jokes and graveyards don't mix!
Five years later, the characters are all twenty-somethings, meaning the poor cast isn't forced to stretch their collective acting "talent" nearly as much. Hooray! Also, Bobby, the guy who dressed as the killer during that prank, has served five years for manslaughter, and still blames himself. He does make parole, and his friends decide that they'll help him get over things by bringing him back to the old camp near the titular graveyard where they used to hang out. Surely, nothing bad can come of this, right?
On the drive up, Michelle, the only friend who actually came to the parole hearing, gives "updates" on the lives of the characters, which serve as exposition. We've got a serial dater who's bringing his latest girlfriend to the camp; a former ho who now teachers pre-school**; an internet billionaire; and Michelle, the Nice Girl (along with a couple of other folks, like groundskeeper Peter, who is also a twenty-something, and flirts with Michelle).
In case you fell asleep during Michelle's speech, we get one-by-one intros for each of the characters as Michelle and Bobby enter the camp. Shockingly, almost everyone is an asshole (Michelle and Bobby excluded), leading the typical reader to assume that, well, most of this cast is probably going to die.
At the camp, the folks just hang out (how going here is going to make Bobby better is never explained), while we see some guy we've never seen before covered in blood and tied to a chair. A masked man comes up and chops him with an axe a few times.
Naturally, we have to cut to a sex scene, featuring the ladies' man and his latest girlfriend, Veronica. If you only watch these movies for the gratuitous nudity, fake breasts, and boring sex, here it is. We also see the groundskeeper flirting with Michelle again, interspersed with more scenes of the lovers (who loudly finish way too soon for the taste of the female partner, and way too late for anyone watching the film).
This is followed by more "character development," in the form of exposition (Eric's family is all dead of a housefire) and moping, with brief respites as the ladies' man continues to act like an asshole. While the friends are all arguing and moping and cracking jokes about Jason lurking in the woods (because if you acknowledge what you're ripping off, it's okay, right?), we get more gratuitous nudity, as Veronica hits the showers. After lots and lots of shots of her breasts***, the killer finally remembers that this is a slasher movie, not a porn flick, so after the traditional post-Halloween moment in which she assumes the masked guy is her boyfriend playing a joke, he suffocates her with a shower curtain****.
At the same time, Michelle and Sarah (the largely nondescript girl) wander to the graveyard, find Eric's desecrated grave, and immediately run back to camp to find that Veronica is missing. This leads to an intense and emotional scene in which Bobby notes that none of his "friends" called, wrote, or visited him while he was in prison, and they let him shoulder all of the blame. Also, a body was found in the woods a couple of days ago, and one character only just now decided to tell everyone else.
If, at this point, you're wondering how the scenes and dialogue segue, the answer is that they really don't. People just say whatever line the director thinks is important for the plot.
We get a search through the woods, which leads the revelation that Sarah is a lesbian, and her stalky ex-lover, Zoe, surprises them in the woods and threatens to kill them all before being kicked out. Holy Lesbian Red Herrings, Batman! Especially since Zoe, walking back through thew woods, gets killed in the next scene, when the killer jumps from a tree and slits her throat*****.
We get a bad false scare (in which Bobby pretends to stab Jack -- the ladies' man/asshole -- a joke that the others somehow don't appreciate), and then everyone returns to camp to find that their cars have been disabled (slashed tires, parts removed from the engine, etc.).
Since the entire cast was in the woods, naturally, a logical assumption here is that the killer is not really One of Them, and must be someone else. That logic might also apply to the fact that most of the killings have occurred when the other characters were seen together. So surely, this is just a Jason/MIchael-style External Killer flick, instead of a Scream/Happy Birthday to Me "the killer was one of the potential victims" movie. Right?
Hah!
Anyway, none of the cell phones are working******, so Bobby runs for help into the woods, armed with a knife. Great idea for a paroled felon.
Internet Billionaire Guy decides that he can hack a stronger signal with his laptop and some pliers, but he insists on being alone when he does so, making him a potential suspect or victim. Meanwhile, the ex-ho and Jack start getting it on, but Ex-Ho hears a noise and naturally decides to go investigate. She comes back to find that Jack has been decapitated, even as Bobby, in the woods, sees Zoe's dead body.
Ex-Ho runs up some stairs, only to get mildly hamstrung*******. For reasons that make no sense unless the director was trying to pad the running time of the movie, the killer vanishes, and the Ex-Ho is allowed to run again. She makes it to an open road, where she stands there screaming for help until the killer wanders by again and decides to slit her throat. Really. She stands still screaming for a good two minutes. You could almost imagine the killer thinking, "Hey, I gave you a chance to get away, and you're just screaming into the night for help. And I've got sensitive ears, so I'm just going to have to kill you now."
Meanwhile, back at the camp, everyone has discovered the remains of Jack, who was hacked into about thirty pieces in the short time the killer had with him.
Back in the woods, Bobby runs into the road and flags down the sheriff (played by the aforementioned Sam Bologna, every bit as talented an actor as his name implies). Alas, Bobby hadn't considered that flagging down the sheriff while holding a knife and covered in (Zoe's) blood might give the wrong idea, especially since the sheriff is the classic backwoods cop who utters lines like, "enjoy the view, Bobby-Boy. The sheriff's got you now."
(Incidentally, "enjoy the view, Bobby-Boy. The sheriff's got you now," would also make a good line in a porn movie.)
Back at the camp, the survivors have huddled together, but they suspect that Internet Billionaire Charlie, alone in his cabin attempting to hack together a radio, might be the killer. When he heads off to work on the generator, Michelle and Peter break into the cabin while Sarah follows Charlie to keep an eye on him. She utters the line, "nothing good ever comes of girls going into dark basements," to show how Edgy and Meta this movie is, and then follows him into the basement of one of the camp buildings. In the cabin, Michelle and Peter discover that Charlie's computer is filled with pictures of Sarah, with words like "die" written across each one! Oh noes!
Downstairs, Charlie and Sarah get into an argument, as he blames her and the others for the death of their friend in the opening scene. In the process of arguing, Charlie flips the switch on the generator, frying Sarah. He's the killer!
Only wait -- even as Michelle and Peter discover the body, Charlie heads back to his cabin, distraught over what he's done, and talking to himself about how it was an accident. When he gets there, his laptop has an open Word file saying "look under the bed." Even as he stares at it, the Word document automatically opens a new message saying, "seriously, look under the bed." Naturally, he does, and waiting under the bed is a rattlesnake, who bites him in the face.
Really. He got caught by the old "script a Word file to open on his PC, then hide a rattlesnake under the bed" trick. Fucking brilliant.
Peter and Michelle, of course, do what any two survivors of a massacre in which the killer is still on the loose do, and start making out.
Back at the police cabin********, the Sheriff gets confirmation that Bobby was still in prison when the body was found in the woods and releases him, but he still refuses to believe that there's any danger up at the camp, and leaves Bobby alone at the cabin as he heads out to investigate a break-in. Naturally, Bobby is the only one around to see the fax that comes in identifying the body in the woods as belonging to "Peter Bishop," the name of their so-called caretaker. Oh noes!
Of course, I should pause to note that, if "Peter" is really the killer, then A) he apparently killed the real Peter Bishop in that scene with the axe while Bobby was most definitely already out of prison (and thus still a viable suspect), B) he gave the name of a man soon to be found dead, instead of making up a story that would have bought him time ("Peter was called away on an emergency, and I'm covering for him"), and C) he managed to teleport in order to kill Veronica, Zoe and Ex Ho, as well as to leave the snake and Magical MS Word Document for Charlie. Seriously. He's actually shown looking at Jack's body while also killing Ex-Ho on a road half a mile away. The only way this could make sense is if there's either a second killer (a la Scream) or he's using the Time Turners from the Harry Potter series.
Anyway, as Bobby races on a stolen motorcycle to the camp, Michelle and "Peter" continue to make out, until she reaches under his shirt and feels his burn scar, and figures out that he's the little brother of Eric (remember that housefire comment?). We get the obligatory "psycho explains himself," as Adam (the real name of our psychopath) tells Michelle that he was so upset at how his parents took the loss of their older son, he dug up Eric's body, put it in his bed, burned the house down, and faked his own death in the process. Really. And now, he's also drugged the whiskey he gave Michelle a shot of, and as she faints, he carts her off.
Adam has decided that instead of directly killing Michelle as he did with everyone else, he's going to chase her down in a mad game at the titular graveyard, which would make sense if Michelle was more directly involved in Eric's death. Or was Eric's girlfriend (she wasn't -- turns out it was Sarah). Actually, there's no good reason other than the need for a Final Girl chase, as well as the classic scene in which the killer changes his pattern to allow the heroes a chance to stop him.
Somehow, Bobby runs from the camp (where he pulls in shortly after nightfall) into the graveyard and finds Michelle before Adam does. So does the sheriff, after Bobby again because of the stolen motorcycle. Naturally, as the sheriff points his gun at the two kids, Adam walks up behind him waves his knife, and the sheriff falls down. We discover later that he wasn't killed, but there's no sign of a punch or anything. It's like the director just forgot what he was doing.
As Bobby and Adam get into a fight, Michelle runs away and hides in a tomb. Adam overpowers Bobby and ties him to the graveyard fence, then follows Michelle into the tomb and chases her through the graveyard. As they run, Bobby, somehow untied, checks Adam into an open grave. When Adam attempts to climb out, they shoot him with the sheriff's gun, and we cut to the epilogue, with Bobby and Michelle waiting in the sheriff's car. The sheriff is talking to the coroners, and asks if they've found the body yet. Yes, the body that was shot point-blank and landed in an open grave has disappeared, and guess who actually enters the police cruiser where the survivors are sitting? Oh noes!
The saving grace of this movie is that it's not very F/X oriented, so it never gets the chance to be as bad as, say, a Uwe Boll production. But as slashers go, The Graveyard is down there with Valentine and Splatter University as an utter mess of a movie, with a awful, clunky dialogue, a mess of a cast who are blissfully unaware of how bad the script is, and a director with no sense of time or pacing. If you have the misfortune of encountering anyone who was involved with the making of this movie, slap them. Twice*********. No one associated with this movie has anything to be proud of.
*A name that rivals only character actor Ron Canada in my book.
**In fairness, there's no reason a person can't teach pre-school and still be a ho, but Michelle seems to think that these are mutually exclusive.
***If the actress -- Eva Derrek -- got paid per breast shot, she could have pulled in Julia Roberts rates for this flick.
****Yes, really. He stalked across the camp and didn't bring a weapon, instead relying on a lucky-to-still-be-there piece of plastic that, likely as not, killed her because of the accumulated mold buildup instead of suffocating her.
*****Thanks to the magic of Tivo and slo-mo, it turns out that her throat was already bleeding before the knife gets brought to it, so she might really have died of a rare blood disorder. Or bad directing.
******Cell phone coverage in horror movies is always either ubiquitous -- the Scream movies -- or unavailable at all.
*******The killer slashes her thigh enough to make her fall down, but she's able to run with no problem seconds later.
********Really. It's a log cabin that serves as a sheriff's office and jail. At least, it's a log cabin on the outside. Looks like the same jail set that was used on Veronica Mars on the inside.
*********Except for Sam Bologna. How can you hit a guy with a name like that?
Any movie in which the sheriff is played by an actor named Sam Bologna* is worth watching. Or so I used to think. Then again, how many movies are written by Michael Hurst, the genius who penned Mansquito and directed House of the Dead 2 (not to be confused with the guy who played Iolaus on Hercules, who is almost certainly a better writer)? Director Michael Feifer, according to his clearly unbiased IMDB bio, "is known as someone who always makes a film on-time, on-budget yet with a production quality that studio executives can't believe." I share the same disbelief as the studio execs. This movie is a clusterfuck.
The Graveyard opens in, of all places, a graveyard. A bunch of teenagers -- played by assorted late-twenty-somethings -- decide to play hide-and-seek in the local graveyard, because that's what kids do for fun nowadays when they're not smoking dope or posting on The MySpace. But wait! It's all a practical joke setup, as one of them dresses as a killer and pretends to stalk the guy who is "it." And, as happens every time a practical joke gets played in a horror movie, it goes horribly wrong, as the scared kid (Eric) runs straight into a sharpened piece of a broken gate. Remember kids -- practical jokes and graveyards don't mix!
Five years later, the characters are all twenty-somethings, meaning the poor cast isn't forced to stretch their collective acting "talent" nearly as much. Hooray! Also, Bobby, the guy who dressed as the killer during that prank, has served five years for manslaughter, and still blames himself. He does make parole, and his friends decide that they'll help him get over things by bringing him back to the old camp near the titular graveyard where they used to hang out. Surely, nothing bad can come of this, right?
On the drive up, Michelle, the only friend who actually came to the parole hearing, gives "updates" on the lives of the characters, which serve as exposition. We've got a serial dater who's bringing his latest girlfriend to the camp; a former ho who now teachers pre-school**; an internet billionaire; and Michelle, the Nice Girl (along with a couple of other folks, like groundskeeper Peter, who is also a twenty-something, and flirts with Michelle).
In case you fell asleep during Michelle's speech, we get one-by-one intros for each of the characters as Michelle and Bobby enter the camp. Shockingly, almost everyone is an asshole (Michelle and Bobby excluded), leading the typical reader to assume that, well, most of this cast is probably going to die.
At the camp, the folks just hang out (how going here is going to make Bobby better is never explained), while we see some guy we've never seen before covered in blood and tied to a chair. A masked man comes up and chops him with an axe a few times.
Naturally, we have to cut to a sex scene, featuring the ladies' man and his latest girlfriend, Veronica. If you only watch these movies for the gratuitous nudity, fake breasts, and boring sex, here it is. We also see the groundskeeper flirting with Michelle again, interspersed with more scenes of the lovers (who loudly finish way too soon for the taste of the female partner, and way too late for anyone watching the film).
This is followed by more "character development," in the form of exposition (Eric's family is all dead of a housefire) and moping, with brief respites as the ladies' man continues to act like an asshole. While the friends are all arguing and moping and cracking jokes about Jason lurking in the woods (because if you acknowledge what you're ripping off, it's okay, right?), we get more gratuitous nudity, as Veronica hits the showers. After lots and lots of shots of her breasts***, the killer finally remembers that this is a slasher movie, not a porn flick, so after the traditional post-Halloween moment in which she assumes the masked guy is her boyfriend playing a joke, he suffocates her with a shower curtain****.
At the same time, Michelle and Sarah (the largely nondescript girl) wander to the graveyard, find Eric's desecrated grave, and immediately run back to camp to find that Veronica is missing. This leads to an intense and emotional scene in which Bobby notes that none of his "friends" called, wrote, or visited him while he was in prison, and they let him shoulder all of the blame. Also, a body was found in the woods a couple of days ago, and one character only just now decided to tell everyone else.
If, at this point, you're wondering how the scenes and dialogue segue, the answer is that they really don't. People just say whatever line the director thinks is important for the plot.
We get a search through the woods, which leads the revelation that Sarah is a lesbian, and her stalky ex-lover, Zoe, surprises them in the woods and threatens to kill them all before being kicked out. Holy Lesbian Red Herrings, Batman! Especially since Zoe, walking back through thew woods, gets killed in the next scene, when the killer jumps from a tree and slits her throat*****.
We get a bad false scare (in which Bobby pretends to stab Jack -- the ladies' man/asshole -- a joke that the others somehow don't appreciate), and then everyone returns to camp to find that their cars have been disabled (slashed tires, parts removed from the engine, etc.).
Since the entire cast was in the woods, naturally, a logical assumption here is that the killer is not really One of Them, and must be someone else. That logic might also apply to the fact that most of the killings have occurred when the other characters were seen together. So surely, this is just a Jason/MIchael-style External Killer flick, instead of a Scream/Happy Birthday to Me "the killer was one of the potential victims" movie. Right?
Hah!
Anyway, none of the cell phones are working******, so Bobby runs for help into the woods, armed with a knife. Great idea for a paroled felon.
Internet Billionaire Guy decides that he can hack a stronger signal with his laptop and some pliers, but he insists on being alone when he does so, making him a potential suspect or victim. Meanwhile, the ex-ho and Jack start getting it on, but Ex-Ho hears a noise and naturally decides to go investigate. She comes back to find that Jack has been decapitated, even as Bobby, in the woods, sees Zoe's dead body.
Ex-Ho runs up some stairs, only to get mildly hamstrung*******. For reasons that make no sense unless the director was trying to pad the running time of the movie, the killer vanishes, and the Ex-Ho is allowed to run again. She makes it to an open road, where she stands there screaming for help until the killer wanders by again and decides to slit her throat. Really. She stands still screaming for a good two minutes. You could almost imagine the killer thinking, "Hey, I gave you a chance to get away, and you're just screaming into the night for help. And I've got sensitive ears, so I'm just going to have to kill you now."
Meanwhile, back at the camp, everyone has discovered the remains of Jack, who was hacked into about thirty pieces in the short time the killer had with him.
Back in the woods, Bobby runs into the road and flags down the sheriff (played by the aforementioned Sam Bologna, every bit as talented an actor as his name implies). Alas, Bobby hadn't considered that flagging down the sheriff while holding a knife and covered in (Zoe's) blood might give the wrong idea, especially since the sheriff is the classic backwoods cop who utters lines like, "enjoy the view, Bobby-Boy. The sheriff's got you now."
(Incidentally, "enjoy the view, Bobby-Boy. The sheriff's got you now," would also make a good line in a porn movie.)
Back at the camp, the survivors have huddled together, but they suspect that Internet Billionaire Charlie, alone in his cabin attempting to hack together a radio, might be the killer. When he heads off to work on the generator, Michelle and Peter break into the cabin while Sarah follows Charlie to keep an eye on him. She utters the line, "nothing good ever comes of girls going into dark basements," to show how Edgy and Meta this movie is, and then follows him into the basement of one of the camp buildings. In the cabin, Michelle and Peter discover that Charlie's computer is filled with pictures of Sarah, with words like "die" written across each one! Oh noes!
Downstairs, Charlie and Sarah get into an argument, as he blames her and the others for the death of their friend in the opening scene. In the process of arguing, Charlie flips the switch on the generator, frying Sarah. He's the killer!
Only wait -- even as Michelle and Peter discover the body, Charlie heads back to his cabin, distraught over what he's done, and talking to himself about how it was an accident. When he gets there, his laptop has an open Word file saying "look under the bed." Even as he stares at it, the Word document automatically opens a new message saying, "seriously, look under the bed." Naturally, he does, and waiting under the bed is a rattlesnake, who bites him in the face.
Really. He got caught by the old "script a Word file to open on his PC, then hide a rattlesnake under the bed" trick. Fucking brilliant.
Peter and Michelle, of course, do what any two survivors of a massacre in which the killer is still on the loose do, and start making out.
Back at the police cabin********, the Sheriff gets confirmation that Bobby was still in prison when the body was found in the woods and releases him, but he still refuses to believe that there's any danger up at the camp, and leaves Bobby alone at the cabin as he heads out to investigate a break-in. Naturally, Bobby is the only one around to see the fax that comes in identifying the body in the woods as belonging to "Peter Bishop," the name of their so-called caretaker. Oh noes!
Of course, I should pause to note that, if "Peter" is really the killer, then A) he apparently killed the real Peter Bishop in that scene with the axe while Bobby was most definitely already out of prison (and thus still a viable suspect), B) he gave the name of a man soon to be found dead, instead of making up a story that would have bought him time ("Peter was called away on an emergency, and I'm covering for him"), and C) he managed to teleport in order to kill Veronica, Zoe and Ex Ho, as well as to leave the snake and Magical MS Word Document for Charlie. Seriously. He's actually shown looking at Jack's body while also killing Ex-Ho on a road half a mile away. The only way this could make sense is if there's either a second killer (a la Scream) or he's using the Time Turners from the Harry Potter series.
Anyway, as Bobby races on a stolen motorcycle to the camp, Michelle and "Peter" continue to make out, until she reaches under his shirt and feels his burn scar, and figures out that he's the little brother of Eric (remember that housefire comment?). We get the obligatory "psycho explains himself," as Adam (the real name of our psychopath) tells Michelle that he was so upset at how his parents took the loss of their older son, he dug up Eric's body, put it in his bed, burned the house down, and faked his own death in the process. Really. And now, he's also drugged the whiskey he gave Michelle a shot of, and as she faints, he carts her off.
Adam has decided that instead of directly killing Michelle as he did with everyone else, he's going to chase her down in a mad game at the titular graveyard, which would make sense if Michelle was more directly involved in Eric's death. Or was Eric's girlfriend (she wasn't -- turns out it was Sarah). Actually, there's no good reason other than the need for a Final Girl chase, as well as the classic scene in which the killer changes his pattern to allow the heroes a chance to stop him.
Somehow, Bobby runs from the camp (where he pulls in shortly after nightfall) into the graveyard and finds Michelle before Adam does. So does the sheriff, after Bobby again because of the stolen motorcycle. Naturally, as the sheriff points his gun at the two kids, Adam walks up behind him waves his knife, and the sheriff falls down. We discover later that he wasn't killed, but there's no sign of a punch or anything. It's like the director just forgot what he was doing.
As Bobby and Adam get into a fight, Michelle runs away and hides in a tomb. Adam overpowers Bobby and ties him to the graveyard fence, then follows Michelle into the tomb and chases her through the graveyard. As they run, Bobby, somehow untied, checks Adam into an open grave. When Adam attempts to climb out, they shoot him with the sheriff's gun, and we cut to the epilogue, with Bobby and Michelle waiting in the sheriff's car. The sheriff is talking to the coroners, and asks if they've found the body yet. Yes, the body that was shot point-blank and landed in an open grave has disappeared, and guess who actually enters the police cruiser where the survivors are sitting? Oh noes!
The saving grace of this movie is that it's not very F/X oriented, so it never gets the chance to be as bad as, say, a Uwe Boll production. But as slashers go, The Graveyard is down there with Valentine and Splatter University as an utter mess of a movie, with a awful, clunky dialogue, a mess of a cast who are blissfully unaware of how bad the script is, and a director with no sense of time or pacing. If you have the misfortune of encountering anyone who was involved with the making of this movie, slap them. Twice*********. No one associated with this movie has anything to be proud of.
*A name that rivals only character actor Ron Canada in my book.
**In fairness, there's no reason a person can't teach pre-school and still be a ho, but Michelle seems to think that these are mutually exclusive.
***If the actress -- Eva Derrek -- got paid per breast shot, she could have pulled in Julia Roberts rates for this flick.
****Yes, really. He stalked across the camp and didn't bring a weapon, instead relying on a lucky-to-still-be-there piece of plastic that, likely as not, killed her because of the accumulated mold buildup instead of suffocating her.
*****Thanks to the magic of Tivo and slo-mo, it turns out that her throat was already bleeding before the knife gets brought to it, so she might really have died of a rare blood disorder. Or bad directing.
******Cell phone coverage in horror movies is always either ubiquitous -- the Scream movies -- or unavailable at all.
*******The killer slashes her thigh enough to make her fall down, but she's able to run with no problem seconds later.
********Really. It's a log cabin that serves as a sheriff's office and jail. At least, it's a log cabin on the outside. Looks like the same jail set that was used on Veronica Mars on the inside.
*********Except for Sam Bologna. How can you hit a guy with a name like that?
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