Worst. Sex scene. Ever.

[yendi]

This passage (which is NSFW) might be the worst two pages ever written. It's like the writing of Stephen Donaldson and Piers Anthony had sex, and then had Leo Frankowski's genes spliced in. Only ten times worse. felisdemens, if someone hadn't already recorded one, I'd say that this would be destined for a reading on your podcast. You'll definitely get a kick out of it.

And the book (or at least the writer) is blurbed by Arthur C Clarke and Allan Steele. Which is why blurbs mean very little to me as a reader.

Comments

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

felisdemens, if someone hadn't already recorded one, I'd say that this would be destined for a reading on your podcast.

It has. THE HELL THE HELL THE HELL.

It's like the writing of Stephen Donaldson and Piers Anthony had sex, and then had Leo Frankowski's genes spliced in.

LOVE this description.

Stephen Donaldson

Gives horrible new meaning to "clench racing," doesn't it?

[luis-mw.livejournal.com]

Blink! Ye Gods!

Are they sure this wasn't written as some kind of bet, or world record attempt?

I think the dread Sindar Wolfkitten may have some competition

[concordantnexus.livejournal.com]

Dare we ask who or what this Sindar Wolfkitten is?

Googled it and seems to be some 49 year old otherkin woman into faeries... didn't have the temerity to keep looking for 'works' that could be as bad as Miller's.

Have to admit that I had a good laugh listening to deutschtard's dramatic reading of Miller's 'masterpiece'. =D

[luis-mw.livejournal.com]

Sorry, getting my names a little mixed up (it's also quite hard to work out which is which). I was referring to Terry Sindar (the aforementioned otherkin's other half), who I have sometimes seen referred to as Sindar Wolfkitten. He popped up on a mailing list a few years ago, and we very keen to promote his writings, which at the time were mostly, I kid you not, "Goth fae ragdoll porn"

As I said once on the mailing list, to somebody who enquired, "His prose is so bad, your eyeballs will throw themselves out of their sockets and impale themselves on flaming stakes to make it stop."

I can't find the original stuff he posted at the time, which is possibly fortunate for my eyeballs. This (http://www.geocities.com/shaharasai/book.html) is an extract from some other publication, but not anywhere near so awful.

[kellirose1313.livejournal.com]

Lord, give me Vogon poetry anyday.

[yendi]

The Vogons have now been demoted to fourth.

[ellyssian.livejournal.com]

Scary. I also thought of Sindar (but you might already know that, having commented to a comment on my post about these two damnable pages... =)

I'll be this was part of Sindar's inspiration.

[dangerdean.livejournal.com]

It's like he was trying to write the Song of Songs (or Song of Solomon, or whatever), but with fantasy. I think he spoiled the effect by using the word "pubes" though.

[allah-sulu.livejournal.com]

Especially since he wrote "Her pubes was" instead of "Her pubes were".

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

I NOTICED THAT TOO. AND CRINGED.

[rain-herself.livejournal.com]

This is exactly what i Iwas thinking of. Song of Solomon with pubes.

[yendi]

Man. Now I want to send a bunch of queries out to agents, summing up my work simply as "Song of Solomon with pubes." I'd be the star of the next Queryfail.

[wednesday]

Give me fifteen minutes to steal this idea here.

[wednesday]

Right, okay. I had to take a few liberties with the "your X is like Y" crap.


Excerpts from the song of songs with pubes, which is Spikenard's:

Behold, thou art pale, my love; behold, thou art tall; thou hast leopards' tongues within thy locks: thy hair is as a helmet, a hood, the cowl of a monk, magician, or possibly cobra.

Thy teeth are like a bracelet made out of tiger's teeth, which you wear in your mouth.

Thy lips are like a red velvet purse, and thy tongue is amber; thy tongue is like a fox, an anemone, caught in the tiger-teeth from your purse.

Thy neck is like foam on a ship's prow, like the shark; like the lonely dance of the pearl-grey shark upon your sheaves of barley.

Thy two breasts are like citrus and soapstone, thy buttocks like phoenix eggs, like a fist.

Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, I will get me to the mountain of cheese, and to the hill of honeycomb.

How fair is thy love, my princess, my... princess! how much better are thy legs than quills! and the smell of thine fingers than incense!

Thy tongue, O my spouse, writhes like the ferret. Honey and cheese are inside thy breasts, and the smell of thy face is that of the gibbous moon.

Thy pubes is a nest of pomegranates, with pleasant winds; clay-taste and seed; animals and veldt-licking; candles and scrimshaws, with scarabs and ibises; mirrors and wheat-sheaves, shadows and runes; a fountain of mirrors, a well of breathing moss-beds, and streams of leaking dew-drops.

Awake, O dream-wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my pubes, that the mosses thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his little faerie court here, and eat his dripping orchids.

How beautiful are thy feet with shoes, O human princess! Thy feet are marmosets or locusts; thine toes are like weeping snails.

The joints of thy thighs are like wicker, the sandstone buttresses of a cathedral, silk, or cobwebs.

Thine shoulders are like steam-covered clay windows; thine eyes like the tears of dragons, the birds in fresh snow; thy nose is not remarked upon, but is nice.

Thine head upon thee is like chalkbeds, and the hair of thine head like brown; thine ears are carved puzzles of ivory.

How pleasant art thou, O love, for the sex! This thy stature is like to a cow, and thy breasts to pieces of cheese. I said, I will go up to the cow, I will take hold of the udders thereof.

[jerel.livejournal.com]

oooh, that's awful. I love it! You, m'dear, are a genius. :)

[wednesday]

Thank you; you're very kind. :)

[nikkif.livejournal.com]

Ok. That's the best thing I've ever read.

[fings.livejournal.com]

I think someone spell-checker 'corrected' "pubis" to "pubes".

[jerel.livejournal.com]

Yes, but at least in the Songs, you get more favorable comparisons: her lips are a thread of scarlet, his eyes are like those of the dove, etc. Okay, there are a couple of strange ones--teeth like a row of just-washed sheep springs to mind. But at least that tells you something, i.e., that her teeth are very white. I mean, what the hell does "her thighs were geese" mean? Just what every woman wants to hear: her upper legs resemble water fowl.

[themaskmaker.livejournal.com]

This is one time when I truly hope the blurbist did NOT read the book before blurbing it. Because if not? Arthur C. Clarke? You are making me weep, here.

[lurkerwithout.livejournal.com]

Did he blurb it before or after he died?

[dragontdc.livejournal.com]

After. His blurb was channeled by a midget psychic who immediately afterward fled, never to be seen again.

[sparkfrost.livejournal.com]

Oh my. Epic fail! I... can handle a bit of purple prose, but that? That was at ludicrous speed!

I like the Xanth novels

[dragontdc.livejournal.com]

Purple? That prose is ultraviolet, and as such should by all rights be invisible to the human eye.

[felisdemens.livejournal.com]

I... but... no... WHAT.

[robyn-ma.livejournal.com]

[chris-walsh.livejournal.com]

Whut!Cat Is Wise.

[frawg-angel.livejournal.com]

OMG, that is the most awesome thing EVAR!

Because on a very stressful morning at work, it not only hurt my brain, made me pause, and made me laugh out loud, but it makes me feel the world is a better place because it shows that perhaps the publishing houses hire the mentally handicapped (handicapable?) as their editors... and writers...

[fmi-agent.livejournal.com]

zomg.

My favorite is "soft, sweet cheese."

favorites

[litch.livejournal.com]

mine is "Her face was the fragrence of a gibbous moon"

Re: favorites

[dragontdc.livejournal.com]

So he was sniffing a gibbon's arse?

Oh, "gibbous". Hey, LOLcat, does the moon has a smell?

Re: favorites

[wednesday]

Actually, sort of, yes. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab did a Lunacy scent called The Gibbous Moon in mid-2007: "Moonflower, Madonna lily, orris, white ginger, cucumber, hyacinth, and Irish moss."

Not that chappy there would have had the psychic vision to account for that, though.

[poobah103.livejournal.com]

This makes me especially self-conscious, given that my breasts are citrus too.

[pixelfish.livejournal.com]

Oh, gods. Reminds me of the two page passage in Rhapsody where the guy character (who, big shock, turns out to be Rhapsody's long lost love) spends two pages salivating over her, and she gets described down to her toenails.

Also, I think people forget that sex scenes are supposed to be VERBED! Sex is something you do. VERB VERB VERB!

(The second paragraph in wasn't too bad, and if he'd left off right there and got onto the VERBING and to the character interaction--although right at this point I'm doubting there was any--it wouldn't have been so bad. EDITED TO ADD: NO, wait, I'm seeing a rape scene follows onto that, although fortunately we aren't treated to seeing it. Thank god.)

[pixelfish.livejournal.com]

Also I found this quote on Amazon and misread it:

"Ron Miller is unfairly talented." -- Sir Arthur C Clarke

I READ:

"Ron Miller is fairly untalented." -- Sir Arthur C Clarke

[dragontdc.livejournal.com]

It's easy to misquote the dead...