A rerun

[yendi]

shadesong is asking folks to help write the worst erotica ever. I've already suggested that the publication of Laurell "K." Hamilton's Narcissus in Chains has raised the bar impossibly high for bad erotica, but folks are trying their hardest (yeah, yeah) in that thread.

Which reminded me of one of my own favorite works, my MST3K of the the worst "erotica" I've ever encountered (worse than LKH, even). It's online here for now, and will probably move to a new home some time in the future.

Background: The hack writer of this piece showed up on a mailing list that a bunch of us used to belong to, and basically posted nothing but crap until he got sick of being ignored and left in a huff. I made the mistake of visiting his website, and saw that he wrote the worst fairy porn ever (which is pretty much redundant to begin with). And I just couldn't resist writing nasty things about it. So here it is. Apologies for folks who have seen this before (I post a link about once a year).

Warning: This is a damned long read (and shows up funny on some browsers, although it looks just peachy on Safari and OSX). All the characters are copyright Best Brains, Inc, except for those that are copyright some wannabe goth porn writer.

Comments

[melanie.livejournal.com]

misterx....remember that story? with the giant, eiffel-tower-sized dildos? and the schlooping up and down on them with the vaginal muscles? and the climactic spasms causing the people to shoot off into the air, beneath the circus tent?

[la-belledame.livejournal.com]

worst fairy porn

No no no! That's faery porn!

Or else it's faerie rag doll porn!

[Donna collapses with a helpless bubbling sound]

[sirinek.livejournal.com]

I shudder to think anything can be worse than what your average slasher puts out.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Hey! Gimme credit! I dragged you over and forced you to read his stories!

[yendi]

"Credit?" I think that "blame" is more appropriate. :-)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Credit, blame, whatever.

You're my favorite mad genius, you know. :)

[shellefly.livejournal.com]

I can't read the whole thing.

The excessive use of passive voice had me at "good-bye". No wonder the protagonist committed suicide - he bored himself to death!

[fmi-agent.livejournal.com]

i haven't gotten through the whole thing yet either. but, yendi: good work!

[jerel.livejournal.com]

I love your commentary but I can't get through it. It's just too painful.

[koddiechan.livejournal.com]

..this is.. porn..?

Ow.

Seriously. Ow.

[rhapsody-98.livejournal.com]

Having never even paid any attention to MST3K, I can still say that this was really funny.

You should do more of them.

[yendi]

Thanks. Not sure I can handle reading stuff as bad as Sindar's ever again, alas.

[dangerdean.livejournal.com]

Just when I thought I'd got my brain well-scrubbed...

[maida-mac.livejournal.com]

I was actually passing Sindar's stuff around recently, trying to horrify some guests. It worked. :)

[shiftercat.livejournal.com]

Too damn funny. And you have them acting exactly like the MST3K crew, too!

I'm surprised nobody commented on the author's frequent switching from first to third person with no explanation why.