Make your own Anita Blake book

[yendi]

In honor of the fact that we own a copy of Incubus Dreams for some reason (doorstop? Flyswatter? Emergency weapon? Target for throwing knives?), here's how to make your own Anita Blake novel (note: this technique only applies to later Anita Blake novels; to create early AB novels, you have to actually write):

1. Tear 100 pages out of any of the first five AB novels.

2. Head to http://www.asstr.org/ and pick 25 different stories at random. Include as many different kinks as you can, including at least one dealing with animals and one dealing with the supernatural.

3. Print all those stories.

4. Take all 25 stories and all 100 pages from the AB books and shuffle them together.

5. Do NOT, under any circumstances, edit a single word. If the porn you picked was well-written, in fact, add some mistakes.

6. Do randomly change a few actions and motivations to reflect your own personal life.

7. In fact, just go ahead and rename the main character "Laurell." or "Mary Sue." Whichever.

Comments

[mystril.livejournal.com]

Also, insert Nike product placements at regular intervals. (Does she still do that? I gave up on her books around the time the faerie porn came out.)

[yendi]

Ack! I'd forgetten about that. Although the product placement was mostly in the early books, so it should be covered by those 100 pages.

[rafaela.livejournal.com]

*snerk*

[ginny-t.livejournal.com]

lol! Suddenly I want to read her books. Oh wait, nevermind, self-preservation has kicked in.

[branwynelf.livejournal.com]

Heh, I have a bunch of hers loaned to me by a friend. Sadly, the more I know about her work, the less inclined I am to read any of it ...

[nomadmwe.livejournal.com]

Know that you rock the house, and that I have spewed coffee on my monitor in glee.

[yendi]

Thanks (and my apologies to the monitor).

[songwind.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed the earlier AB novels when they were really "Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter" rather than "Muffy the Vampire Layer"

When she started screwing the being she had watched murder people because she had a moral problem with the fact that her boyfriend had to beat someone up for pack dominance, I just gave up in disgust.

**snort**

[ydnic.livejournal.com]

Muffy the Vampire Layer

It's a good thing my coffee cup's empty...

...I'll avoid AB like the plague now.

[kenakari.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the public service announcement. I needed a smile.

I've learnt not to drink coffee while reading your LJ, so no accidents this time. ^_~

Re: ...I'll avoid AB like the plague now.

[yendi]

:-) Thanks!

[hookncrook.livejournal.com]

Hey, when did you finishe reading Incubus Dreams?

Cause that is a perfect plot synopsist...

[yendi]

Lucky guess. And I intend for it to remain that way. I have too many good books on my to-read list.

[unquietsoul5.livejournal.com]

Her first few books were entertaining.... but at this point it's become absolutely impossible for me to have any desire to read what she writes. She's become a hack who's gimmick is Kink.

I'm still an addict..

[softlywhispered.livejournal.com]

it may be schlock, but hell... give me two vamps at a time (or even faeries) and I'm a happy gal. *grin*

Because you wrote about it, I went out and bought my copy. Thanks for the PSA. The thing is, It doesn't matter how poorly written they are, it's just a fun read!

Re: I'm still an addict..

[yendi]

I'm all about guilty pleasures (the first book lived up to its title nicely), but for me, they've lost the ability to be enjoyable. *shrug*

[windswept.livejournal.com]

A. MEN.

[fezabel.livejournal.com]

And yet, some of us still enjoy them and even *gasp* BUY THEM! And *read* them!

You are the worst kind of pretentious snob. Do you choose your reading material based on the number of reviews it garnered from the NYT Book Review or wander aimlessly through B&N looking scholarly while desperately hoping someone will ask your opinion?

[yendi]

You got me! In fact, I make regular appearances at my local B&N in a tweed jacket (while smoking a pipe), and snort and guffaw loudly whenever someone approaches the comics/anime sections.

To quote my fiance's Kabuki t-shirt (the choice of snobs everywhere), You Don't Know Me.

[shellefly.livejournal.com]

Funny, I was amazed that you actually bothered to pick up the book in the first place. :)

[yendi]

'song ordered it from the SFBC with our Pratchett/Gardner order.

[zerbie.livejournal.com]

J reads these. I have mixed feelings about whether I want to. On the one hand, there's your opinion, which actually sort of makes me want to pick one up and laugh at the train wreck. But other people I know quite like them, so I'm torn. Not that I don't have about a million books I should read *first*...

blargh. babbling. stop now. yes. right.

[yendi]

Well, the early ones are actually fun, which is why the later ones are so frustrating. They go from guilty pleasure to train wreck, so there's always something to see.

[cariadwyn.livejournal.com]

Hey guess what ass biter she is making a shit load of money over top of you now isn't she?

Now let's see this is like Monday morning armchair quarterback..

Let us all see you write a book in this manner or perhaps 12 and make the money she has then you can bitch..

Here is another interesting fact.. I'm not a Blake fan

I just can't stand up start little dweebs who come down on the famous for figuring out how to do something so simple.. that any moron could do it, EXCEPT you were not smart enough to get the formula BEFORE she did. You can then be famous so net ass monkeys can write pathetic rants about you. My lj was locked long before I stumbled on this sad place and if you don't ban me for not agreeing with you I might be impressed.. but I doubt it

Yes you have a huge amount of sycophants acclaiming your greatness.. Hey even Hitler, Stalin.. Jim Jones had fans... look how they were loved.

No you don't kno wme.. yes this is probably gramatically incorrect.. NO ONE CARES BUT LOSERS!!!

[yendi]

NO ONE CARES BUT LOSERS!!!

Considering the rest of your writing, don't you mean "LOOSERS?"

As far as LKH goes, I was a huge booster of her for years (as mentioned in many of the comments above), and have no problem with her making money hand over foot, nor even making a disproportionate amount of money to make up for not making enough in her early years. I just am unimpressed when an author who clearly is capable of writing a good book writes utter shite, and the editors, knowing they have sure sales to the sort of people who think using all caps and three exclamation marks is a good thing, don't even look over the book.

[phantom_wolfboy]

Let's try this again:

Jeeze, yendi, now you got your own idiot stalkers 'n' sycophants, 'n' everything!

[yendi]

If I collect enough of each, I can have them face off in yendibowl 2004, the no-holds-barred competition between the best of the stalkers and the best of the sycophants! Winners get to go to Disney World.*



* Losers also get to go to Disney World. Hell, anyone who can afford the travel and buys a ticket can go.

[cariadwyn.livejournal.com]

Well let me see how many ways you are wrong..

no that would take too long..

Shite?.. that makes you what intelligent? British? Dumbass?

Just use shit.. Like shit for brains.. or shit head no one is impressed by shite. Unless you mean Shiite then that is a religious sect or Shittake as in the fungus then I might be impressed.

Who the hell are you to judge what a person can or can not write? She wrote because she wanted to or felt a need to or wanted to sell books. She is a professional writer that is what she does for a job you moron.

You don?t like it don?t buy it take it back. Get your money back and become a better author than her.

Go put on your black trench coat and stalk around in the night and pretend you are something you are not and the world will be fine. Live the old books, breathe the old books, become the old books. No one will care.

On and here just for you

GET A LIFE!!!!!!!! ooo caps and several exclamation points..woo hoo all a tingle now.



PS.
This conversation is eneded thanks

PPS

Yes, I am taking my toys and going home

[kuangning]

What toys? You and your friend both came in uninvited and attacked people because you didn't like the game in progress on the playground. You then suggested that anyone who accused you of lacking intelligence or anyone who themselves displayed intelligence would be laughable (I can only assume that wherever you're from, y'all don't value that much) and then you threw a tantrum when (shock! horror!) you got laughed at. Toys? Only if you like deliberate stupidity, unshakable arrogance, and a distinct lack of manners. Please, no need to hesitate -- no-one's going to cry if you keep those to foul your own sandbox.

[pulzella-gaia.livejournal.com]

Aaaaagh! It's killing me that I can't remember the poem that the Random House Rep came up with a few years ago when he was telling us about the new Laurell K. Hamilton book, because it was sooo funny.

Gah. Somebody send me a better long term memory, STAT!!

[yendi]

Damn -- I'd love to have heard it!

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

Tha fuck?

I leave for one day and you turn into Hitler? Damn! And I missed it! *sobsob*

As a fellow reviewer, I just have to say I would NEVER write a review of an LKH book. I couldn't do it. I'd rip it to shreds. She, like Jordan, lacks the basic EDITING skills needed to produce a coherent work of fiction. While she had other people editing her books, she was great. Now? Uh-huh.

So... whatever. If that makes me a syncophant or a fellow Hitler-esque reviewer, I guess I'm in good company. ;D

--K

[shellefly.livejournal.com]

She, like Jordan, lacks the basic EDITING skills needed to produce a coherent work of fiction.

Yyyyyes, Pinky!
Now let's take over the world. :)

[wundergeek.livejournal.com]

cariadwyn: I invoke Godwin's Law. You lose by default.

[thornsilver]

It's like watching a trainwreck, isn't it? And I refer to both the books and some of the comment threads in here.

I dislike both Laurell Hamilton Mary Sue protagonists, especially in later books. I do, however, like the supporting cast and find the writing and the plot bearable. I am just not buying them in hardcover any more, that's all.

Yep, I used to be a rabid fan about half a dozen years back....

[pandoras-closet.livejournal.com]

What with the way Anita Blake has been lately, and the Gentry books, I figure Hamilton has either lost her mind or turned into a repressed Nymphomaniac.

Wait . . . wasn't Hamilton at one point hailed as the next Ann Rice?

[dinpik.livejournal.com]

There's a scary thought.

[mendoza.livejournal.com]

I adore you, you know that?

[mendoza.livejournal.com]

Oh, wait! Does that make me a sycophant? Well, shucks, sign me right up. I get a secret decoder ring with my membership card, don't I? 'Cause I don't know if I want to join your little posse without a decoder ring. How will I decipher the secret Kabbalistic clues in all your posts, otherwise? I'd hate to be left out of all the fun.

[iamsorrow.livejournal.com]

~BOL~ instalinkage

[snowflake-star.livejournal.com]

This is so awesome. I used to read her books and I quit after Narcissus in Chains. Maybe I'm a prude, but I'm not that interested in reading about Mary S- er Anita Blake and her orgies.

I guess that makes me a sychophant!!!
Sign me up bitches!

*I came here from fandom_wank*

Beyond a Guilty Pleasure. :\

[plastraa.livejournal.com]

I agree with everything you have written, and laughed my ass off in the process, AND YET I am off to the store to pick up my copy this afternoon. I. can't. stop. reading. LKH!

I think that there should be a 12 step program. (Or something with less steps, whatever.)

It's one of the 'simple' joys in my life finding the editing errors in her books, and every character being a Mary SUE? I say BRILLIANT...love the hair, love the eyes, love the weapons...love it all.

HELP ME! (Someone throw me a lifejacket, but make sure it doesn't clash with my knee length red 'curlz.' Whee!)